BURGLARS

©1988 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

 

Fade up. Frances is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. The doorbell rings. She answers it to find Mr. Billings and a friend who has a great number of tools on a belt as well as a large toolbox.

BILLINGS:

Good evening.

FRANCES:

Good evening, Charles. Is this the friend you spoke to me about?

BILLINGS:

Yes, the best in the business. Dennis, meet Mrs. Cambrio. Mrs. Cambrio, Dennis.

FRANCES:

Call me Frances.

BILLINGS:

Are you sure? I don't mind saying Mrs. Cambrio.

FRANCES:

Oh no please, call me Frances.

BILLINGS:

Certainly.

FRANCES:

Would you come in?

BILLINGS:

Thank you.

 

Billings and Dennis enter. Dennis starts scanning the place immediately, even takes a couple of raps at the window to test it.)

FRANCES:

Would you like something to drink while you work?

BILLINGS:

No thank you.

 

Billings stares at Dennis, then nudges him in the arm.

DENNIS:

No thanks.

BILLINGS:

Well, I think we should get to work. If it's no trouble, we should inspect every place in the house where someone might be able to break in, if that is all right with you.

FRANCES:

No, no trouble at all. Feel free to go wherever you have to.

 

Dennis starts to head off through door on left.

FRANCES:

How long will this take?

 

Billings and Dennis whisper something to each other.

BILLINGS:

Oh, no more than an hour. Dennis works fast.

FRANCES:

My, that is quick. Well, I'll just be reading if you need me.

BILLINGS:

Right.

 

Dennis and Billings exit, talking silently to themselves. Frances headsoff stage right. A few seconds later, Martin pokes his head in the door,sees no one, and furtively steps in. He's carrying a large box with someblatantly named burglar-catching device, such as "ACME Crook-Catcher."There should be an accompanying picture on the box. He also has a tool boxwhich he has presumably taken from his garage. He sets the toolbox down,and exits through the door stage left, still carrying the large box. Whilehe's gone, Frances comes in and nearly trips over the toolbox. She picksit up to examine it.

FRANCES: (examining it) 

Hm, he uses a toolbox just like ours.

 

She puts it out of the way, on the windowsill. She then picks up the magazine from the couch and exits to the right again. Martin enters from the left. He looks around a bit for the toolbox, then spots it on the windowsill. He ponders this for a moment, then moves it back to the middle of the floor. He opens it and retrieves a screwdriver. He creeps over to the lightswitch.

Martin begins to unscrew the lightswitch plate, but then stops, looks around, and gives the wall a good pound beside the plate. The lights go off. He has to give it two thumps before they flip back on again. Assured that the lights do indeed have a problem still, he begins to unscrew the plate. Suddenly, Frances comes in and sees him.

FRANCES: (blurtingly) 

What are you doing there, Martin?

 

Martin is very startled and ends up fumbling the screwdriver and dropping it to the floor with a thud. He jumps at that, too.

MARTIN:

Uhm, who, me?

FRANCES:

Yes, you. Was that you pounding on the wall again?

MARTIN:

Uh.

 

He looks back and forth from the lightswitch to Frances a couple of times.

MARTIN: 

Yes, that was me.

FRANCES:

Well, what are you doing?

MARTIN:

I'm...I'm testing the lights to make sure there's still a problem so that when the electricians come here tomorrow when you're not here that they have something to fix so that they didn't waste a lot of time coming here for nothing.

FRANCES:

Well, you don't need a screwdriver to do that.

MARTIN:

Ah. Yes. Well. (he picks up the screwdriver)  I was just unscrewing this for them so that they don't have to waste time doing that. They charge by the hour, you know.

FRANCES:

Come here, Martin.

MARTIN: (looking around)

Who?

FRANCES:

Come here , Martin.

 

Martin approaches quickly.

FRANCES:

You seem to be awfully concerned about the electrician's time.

MARTIN:

Well, you know, if we all cared a little more this world would be a better place.

FRANCES:

Quiet!

 

Martin fumbles with the screwdriver again, but doesn't drop it.

FRANCES:

You were trying to fix the light yourself, weren't you?

MARTIN:

No!

FRANCES:

Don't lie to me, Martin. I always find out.

MARTIN:

Well...

FRANCES:

Martin!

 

Billings enters silently and stands in the doorway by the lightswitch.

MARTIN:

Well!

FRANCES:

You never did call the electricians, did you?

MARTIN:

Yes I did!

FRANCES:

Martin...!

MARTIN:

Well, I did.

 

Frances gives him a fiery glance. Martin buckles.)

MARTIN:

Well, I MEANT to.

FRANCES:

You told me you did!

MARTIN:

I was just trying to...

FRANCES:

To lie to me?

MARTIN:

Yes. No!

FRANCES:

Mm hmm. Martin, how do you expect anything in this house to get fixed if you won't even call?

MARTIN:

Well, I'm sure it's not that hard to fix. In fact, the lights aren't really a problem anyway. They work perfectly!

 

Billings reaches over and casually flips the switch. The room goes dark. Martin lets out a forced laugh.

MARTIN:

Honestly! I can fix this. It's no problem.

 

He takes a few steps backwards and trips/kicks the toolbox, causing a great clatter of tools. He gives another reassuring laugh and stumbles to the wall. He pounds it softly. He laughs. He pounds it a little harder, twice. He pounds again. His laughter becomes disguised anger. After another couple of pounds, he takes a step backwards and raises his fist to give a really huge smack to the wall. Billings casually flips on the switch just as Martin lunges forward. The sight of Billings causes him to stop and scream in surprise ("aaaah!!"), and he stumbles back again. Billings takes out his notebook and writes something down.

MARTIN: (to Frances) 

What's he doing here?

 

Billings exits quietly, taking more notes.

FRANCES:

Well whatever it is it's obviously something more productive than what you're doing. (she exits) 

MARTIN: (turning back) 

So what are you...

 

He stops and does a double-take when he sees Billings is not there. He peers out through the door, but doesn't see him. He shuts the door and stares at the tools.

MARTIN: (as he picks them up and throws theminto the toolbox) 

Oh sure, some nobody in a suit comes by and now my wife's fallen for his act. What does he think he's doing, creeping around in my house? I should give him a piece of my mind is what I should do. And Frances, too. "Call the electricians, call the electricians." The next time I see her I'll tell her what she can stick that tele...

 

Frances enters, Martin sees her right away.

MARTIN:

Tele...telephone! Telephone. (distractedly, he points)  For you.

FRANCES:

Telephone? For me?

MARTIN:

Er...yes.

 

Frances walks over to the telephone.

FRANCES:

But it's hung up.

MARTIN:

Er, yes, there was a telephone call for you, but you weren't here so they said they'd call back. Later. Much later.

FRANCES:

Why didn't you get me? I was just in the next room.

MARTIN:

Oh, were you? Sorry.

FRANCES:

Well who was it? Did they leave a message?

MARTIN:

Nope, no message. Never mind. It was a wrong number.

FRANCES:

Wrong number?

MARTIN: (closes toolbox, clumsily stands up) 

Well, anyway, I should put these back in the garage.

FRANCES: (confused) 

You do that.

BILLINGS: (shouting from a distance) 

Frances, could you come here a moment?

FRANCES:

Be right there, Charles.

 

Frances exits left.

MARTIN: (mockingly) 

"Be right there, Charles!" What's he need help with? There's nothing back there but bedrooms.

 

Martin goes to front door and pauses after he starts to open it. He seems deep in thought.

MARTIN:

Wait a minute. My wife is alone, and then Billings comes over, and now they're back there in the bedrooms together?

 

Frances opens door, left, and starts to come through.

BILLINGS: (still off stage) 

Wait, Frances, there's something else I think you should see.

FRANCES: (smiling) 

Oh?

 

She exits again, shutting the door. Martin watches this, makes one final mental deliberation about the possibility of Frances having an affair with Billings, and then gives a hugely apathetic shrug, probably accompanied by some hand gesture of "who cares." He then exits out the front door with the tools. Billings and Frances then enter from the left, walking across the stage.

FRANCES:

Will it all be working by tonight, then?

BILLINGS:

Oh, certainly. Dennis has the main box already installed. He just has to run the lines out to all the windows and doors. Maybe in the attic, also.

FRANCES:

Oh, super. You can tell me all about how to run it over a cup of tea.

BILLINGS:

Certainly. It's all very simple, really...

 

They exit right, Billings rambling about how simple it is to operate, just push a few buttons, and a code, and the red light means it's operating, and the police come within 10 minutes, etc.

Martin enters again. He exits left, and reappears momentarily carrying the ACME crook catcher box. He walks toward the window and there is suddenly a burst of laughter from the two offstage right (apparently in the kitchen). They appear to be having a good conversation. Martin hears this and begins to try to move about quietly. He puts the big box down on the left of the window, then pushes the window open so that he has both hands on it when it's as high as it can go. Revealed in all its scruffy glory is Dennis, peering into the window.

DENNIS:

Hey.

 

Dennis leans in, putting hands slightly inside the sill.

MARTIN: (completely started) 

AHHHH!!! Burglar!

DENNIS:

Wha..?

 

Martin shuts the window very hard down on D's hands, causing a loud slam. The lights blink out.

DENNIS:

AhhhhhH!! Owwwww!!

MARTIN:

Got you! Hahhahaha!

 

Frances and Billings come running in.

FRANCES:

Martin, what is going on?

MARTIN:

Nothing, dear, just catching a burglar.

DENNIS:

My hands! He broke my hands!

BILLINGS:

That's Dennis!

 

Billings goes over to the window as Frances runs to the wall and pounds on it, causing the lights to come back on. Martin is still at the window, holding it down on Dennis' hands.

BILLINGS:

Get off, you've broken his fingers.

MARTIN:

He was trying to break in, it's a fair cop.

FRANCES:

No he wasn't!

MARTIN:

What? I saw him with my own eyes! Climbing in this window.

FRANCES:

He's here with Charles. They're installing a burglar alarm system.

MARTIN:

What?

 

Billings opens the window and inspects Dennis' fingers.

BILLINGS:

Were installing. I don't know if Dennis will be able to do much of anything for a while.

DENNIS:

He's crazy! My hands!

 

Frances comes over.

FRANCES:

How bad are they?

DENNIS: (wailing in the background) 

He's completely mad! He smashed my hands!

BILLINGS:

Pretty bad. Do you think we could borrow your car to go to the clinic or something?

FRANCES:

Of course. Martin, give him your keys.

 

Billings extends his hand.

MARTIN:

What?

FRANCES:

Give him your keys so he can take his friend to the doctor.

MARTIN:

Why should I?

DENNIS:

Because I'll bite your ears off if you don't you bleeding lunatic.

FRANCES:

Hurry up, then.

MARTIN:

I don't see why I should help them... they started it.

FRANCES:

Martin! Now!

MARTIN:

All right, all right.

BILLINGS: (taking the keys) 

Thank you. Hold on, Dennis, I'll come around.

 

He starts to go out the front door, pushing Martin aside.

FRANCES:

Should I go with you, Charles? I do feel responsible, seeing how Martin is my husband.

BILLINGS:

If you want.

 

Billings exits.

FRANCES:

I'll be back later, Martin. Don't do anything else weird.

MARTIN:

All right.

 

Frances exits, and they go by the window, escorting Dennis.

DENNIS:

Bloody lunatic.

FRANCES: (in the distance) 

Yes, isn't he though.

 

Martin shuts the door and looks exhausted for a moment. Then, he spots the box he left over by the window again. He peers out the front door to make sure they've gone, and shuts it quietly. Opening the box with anticipation, he begins to pull out a big black net. Suddenly Frances, Billings, and Dennis come barging in through the front door, surprising him. He quickly tries to shove it back into the box.

FRANCES:

I don't believe you, Martin. I really don't.

MARTIN:

Why are you back so soon?

 

Billings sits Dennis on the couch. He's in a lot of pain.

FRANCES:

Tell me, Martin, did you go and have the car checked when I told you to?

MARTIN:

Oh no! What happened?

FRANCES:

It wouldn't start.

MARTIN:

Well, surely that's easily fixed.

FRANCES:

By whom?

MARTIN:

I suppose I could...

FRANCES:

No, you can't.

BILLINGS:

Dennis knows.

DENNIS:

Yeah, but I've got a small problem with my hands right now. Like the complete lack of feeling in them.

MARTIN:

Look, I'm...sorry about that.

DENNIS:

Yeah, right.

MARTIN:

No, really, I apologize terribly.

DENNIS:

You certainly do. Bug off.

BILLINGS:

What is that box?

MARTIN:

What box?

FRANCES:

Yes, what box?

BILLINGS:

That box over there.

 

Martin moves slightly so that he's blocking everyone's view of the label on the box.

BILLINGS:

The one that Mr. Cambrio appears to be trying to hide.

 

Martin flashes a harsh look at Billings.

FRANCES:

What have you got there, Martin?

MARTIN:

Nothing.

FRANCES:

Come on, what is it?

MARTIN:

Uh, never mind about that.

FRANCES: (trying to see around him) 

Let me see what it is.

MARTIN:

No!

FRANCES:

Why not?

MARTIN:

It's...it's a surprise!

FRANCES:

A surprise! What for?

MARTIN:

Uhm, your birthday.

FRANCES:

That was last month.

MARTIN:

I know, I meant next year's.

FRANCES: (not falling for it) 

What are you up to this time?

DENNIS:

Look, can I at least get some ice for my hands?

FRANCES:

Oh, sorry. Charles, could you show Dennis to the kitchen? You know where the ice is.

BILLINGS:

Certainly.

 

Billings and Dennis exit.

MARTIN:

How does he know where the ice is?

FRANCES:

I showed him.

MARTIN:

You just met him and he's had the grand tour of the house already?

FRANCES:

Well he had to go around in order to see where to install the security.

MARTIN:

You mean he's looked everywhere that someone can possibly get in?

FRANCES:

Of course.

MARTIN: (glancing towards the kitchen) 

Has it ever occurred to you that he might be a burglar and is cleverly casing our house?

FRANCES:

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

MARTIN:

I bet you he is.

FRANCES:

Charles is a very charming man.

MARTIN:

Charming on the surface, sure. But what's underneath?

FRANCES:

You're just being paranoid.

MARTIN:

A little paranoia never hurt anyone.

FRANCES:

What about your cousin Bruce?

 

He thinks about this a second.

MARTIN:

Well, all right, so a little paranoia hurt my cousin Bruce, but aside from that.

 

Billings enters from the kitchen.

BILLINGS:

Frances, could you help Dennis find an ice pack? He's having trouble holding the ice on his fingers.

FRANCES:

Certainly.

 

Frances goes into the kitchen.

BILLINGS:

You haven't told your wife what's in the box, yet, have you?

MARTIN:

That's none of your business. No, I haven't.

BILLINGS:

Don't you think she has a right to know?

MARTIN:

Maybe. But you don't.

BILLINGS:

Your wife trusts me.

MARTIN:

I don't. I think you're a burglar waiting for the right moment to steal everything in the house.

BILLINGS:

And what if I am?

MARTIN:

Well, are you?

BILLINGS:

Actually, yes, that was the plan.

MARTIN:

Aha, I was right. (calling to kitchen.)  Dear, he's made a confession. (he looks over at Billings)  Really?

BILLINGS:

Yes.

MARTIN:

You're not just saying that to test my reaction, were you?

BILLINGS:

Yes, I was. To tell the truth, it wasn't a test, because I've taken enough observations to predict what you will do almost exactly.

MARTIN:

Oh, really?

BILLINGS:

Really.

MARTIN:

Well, if you're so smart, what do I have in the box?

BILLINGS:

Hmm.

MARTIN:

Aha, not so smart are you.

BILLINGS:

I would hazard that it's an alarm system of your own choosing, which you got in order to trap me should I try to break in some time.

MARTIN: (trying much too obviously not to leton that Billings was exactly right) 

That's a good guess.

BILLINGS:

Was I right?

MARTIN:

Maybe.

BILLINGS:

Because if I was, you would have to change your plan, because I wouldn't try to come in through that window any more, knowing that you have something set up there. Most likely, I would try to come in through the east bedroom window some night when you aren't at home.

MARTIN:

So you are a burglar, then?

BILLINGS:

No, I'm not. Dennis is.

 

Frances enters.

FRANCES:

Hello. Dennis is doing well, but I don't know if he'll ever play the piano again.

MARTIN:

Or crack a safe.

 

Billings is writing down more things in his notebook.

FRANCES:

What do you mean by that, Martin?

MARTIN:

He's a burglar. Billings just told me so.

FRANCES:

Did you tell him that?

BILLINGS:

Yes, I did. He's an ex-burglar, actually. That's what makes him so efficient at installing alarms now.

FRANCES:

Oh, that's fascinating.

MARTIN:

Oh yes, my home feels much more safe now that a professional burglar has installed an alarm system here.

FRANCES:

Don't be mocking, Martin.

(Dennis enters, looking very moody) 

BILLINGS: (pocketing the notebook and pen again) 

Well, I think we'll be on our way for tonight.

FRANCES:

Are you sure he'll be okay?

DENNIS:

I'll be all right. (he takes a look at his gnarled hands)  I'm just crippled for life.

MARTIN:

Look, I am sorry about that. But you do resemble a burglar.

 

Billings and Dennis start to leave.

DENNIS:

No burglar in his right mind would break into a full, lit house at 8:30 in the evening.

MARTIN:

You'd know wouldn't you!

FRANCES:

Martin!

MARTIN:

Sorry.

BILLINGS:

It's all right. Well, Dennis finished most of the installation, but I don't think any of his fingers are really broken. We can come back when the swelling goes down.

FRANCES:

Yes, of course. Thank you.

BILLINGS:

Right. Well, good night.

 

Billings and Dennis leave. Frances shuts the door behind them.

MARTIN:

So it doesn't bother you that Dennis is a burglar?

FRANCES:

Was a burglar. No, not particularly. I trust them.

MARTIN:

Billings told me he that was a burglar, too, you know.

FRANCES:

Really?

MARTIN:

Well, then he told me it was a lie. He keeps telling me things and then saying they're lies. I don't know what to think any more.

FRANCES:

Well, don't worry about it. You've never known how to think efficiently.

MARTIN:

No, really. Ever since he showed up today I've felt confused. And he's doing it on purpose. He's trying to fill my head with enough contradictory nonsense so that I don't know what to believe and what not to believe, and then just at that moment...

FRANCES:

Yes?

MARTIN:

I dunno. He'll rob the place. He'll drop a weight on my head and run off with you. I don't know. But he's after something.

FRANCES:

Oh, I think you're being melodramatic. I think that you've become so bored with life that the minute someone new shows up you invent all this extra nonsense just to get as much excitement out of it as possible.

MARTIN:

I still think we ought to be a little careful who we let into the house.

FRANCES:

Well, it's too late to worry about it now since he's already been over several times. In any case, I have some work to do. I'll be in the bedroom.

MARTIN:

I think I'll just sit here and think.

 

He sits on the floor.

FRANCES: (laughing) 

All right.

 

Frances begins to exit left when the phone rings.

MARTIN: (getting up) 

I'll get it. (he answers the phone)  Hello? What? Oh. Right. Good night.

 

He hangs up and looks weary.

FRANCES:

Who was it?

MARTIN: (going to the front door) 

That was Billings again. He just wanted to remind me to lock the front door tonight.

 

He locks it.

FRANCES:

How thoughtful.

 

She exits.

MARTIN:

Yes, how thoughtful.

 

Martin looks at the window He opens the box and begins to pull the net out of the box again as the lights fade.

Fade up to a blue nighttime light. There is now a strange rubber mat on the floor just below the window, but no box. A strange crashing and scrabbling noise comes from the kitchen. Seconds later, a burglar in a black outfit that covers the face as well sneaks out, holding a small sack of swag. Suddenly, Martin starts to enter from the door left, causing the burglar to duck down behind the sofa.

MARTIN: (in pajamas and bathrobe) 

It's just cats, Frances.

FRANCES: (offstage) 

I swear I heard something in the kitchen.

MARTIN:

All right, all right.

 

Martin is obviously very sleepy. He flips the lightswitch and nothing happens. He gives the wall a solid thump and the lights come on. Squinting and yawning, he shuffles past the sofa and into the kitchen, right. The burglar quietly stands up, and begins to look around for a way out.

MARTIN: (shouting from kitchen) 

Hey! (entering suddenly)  Dear, I think we've... AHA!

 

The burglar makes an attempt to escape out the front door, but it's locked, and before he can unlock it Martin rushes over and tackles him, pinning his arms back.

MARTIN:

Dear! Come quick!

FRANCES: (offstage) 

What is it?

MARTIN:

I caught a burglar!

FRANCES: (offstage) 

What?

 

Frances rushes onstage and inadvertently slams the door, causing the lights to go off just as Martin is trying to repeat what he just said about catching a burglar. The burglar uses this opportunity to shove Martin aside and escape successfully out the door, slamming it behind him. The lights come back on. Martin looks dazed. Frances rushes over to him.

FRANCES:

Are you okay?

MARTIN:

I think so. (he gets up)  We should go after him!

FRANCES:

No! He's long gone by now, and besides, he's dangerous.

MARTIN:

You're right, there's no way to catch him now.

 

There's a knock at the door.

FRANCES: (scared) 

Who could that be?

MARTIN:

Maybe we alerted some of the neighbors.

 

Martin opens the door. Billings is there, holding a dazed and limp looking burglar.

BILLINGS:

Sorry to trouble you, but I caught this gentleman rushing out of your house.

FRANCES:

Oh my goodness! How brave of you!

BILLINGS:

Well, it was merely a matter of my spotting him before he spotted me.

MARTIN:

I'll call the police.

 

He picks up the phone and starts to dial.

BILLINGS:

Good idea.

FRANCES:

Come in, come in.

 

Billings enters, dragging the burglar with him.

BILLINGS:

Looks as though a burglar alarm system would have come in handy tonight.

FRANCES:

Yes, wouldn't it? Still, we did all right anyway?

BILLINGS:

Yes, you were lucky.

MARTIN: (finishing phone conversation) 

They'll be by in a few minutes.

FRANCES:

What should we do with him until then?

BILLINGS:

Do you have any rope?

FRANCES:

Oh, good idea. I'll go fetch some.

 

She exits left.

MARTIN:

Nice catch, there.

BILLINGS:

Thank you.

MARTIN:

Tell me.

BILLINGS:

Yes?

MARTIN:

What were you doing out in front of our house tonight at this hour of the morning? Seems awfully ...convenient.

BILLINGS: (smiling) 

Yes, wasn't it, though?

 

Frances returns with a coil of rope.

FRANCES:

Will this do?

BILLINGS:

Yes, that will be fine.

 

He begins to tie up the burglar.

MARTIN:

Do you need any help?

BILLINGS:

No, I've got it.

MARTIN: (looking at the burglar) 

What did you do to him, anyway?

BILLINGS:

Just a little self-defense maneuver. Nothing fancy. (he finishes tying up the burglar)  There we are.

MARTIN:

Where did you learn to tie knots like that?

BILLINGS:

Where did you learn to ask so many questions?

MARTIN:

From you.

BILLINGS:

Touché.

 

Martin stares at the neatly-packaged burglar with a strange sort of pride.

MARTIN:

This is actually quite exciting. Maybe we should go down to the station to watch him get booked.

 

He holds up the unconscious-looking burglar with the long end of the rope.

MARTIN:

Maybe we should take a picture...you know, our prize catch.

 

He puts on a mock photograph smile.

BILLINGS:

Yes, quite a "catch," indeed. (he glances at his watch)  Well, I think I'll be going now, if you two can handle it from here.

FRANCES:

Oh, you won' t be staying?

BILLINGS:

No, it's rather late, and I still have things to do.

MARTIN:

What would a reporter have to do at this hour?

BILLINGS:

Sleep. Good night.

 

Billings exits.

FRANCES: Goodnight.

 

She shuts the door behind him.

MARTIN:

I can't help but wonder what he was doing out there at this time of night. It was so convenient it almost couldn't have been coincidence.

FRANCES:

Oh, not that again. Be grateful Charles caught him — for whatever reason.

MARTIN:

Yes, whatever reason. I wonder what was the reason.

FRANCES:

He was being helpful, that's all.

MARTIN:

Yes... Still, I almost caught him by myself. And if he'd tried to go in or out that window...

FRANCES:

What?

MARTIN:

Oh, nothing, nothing.

FRANCES:

What's that mat there?

 

A police siren approaches and stops nearby.

FRANCES:

Oh, looks like they're here already.

MARTIN:

Yes, that was fast.

 

He picks up the burglar again. There's an official-sounding knock onthe door.

FRANCES:

You can explain what you meant about the window on the way there, Martin.

MARTIN:

We'll see.

 

Martin opens the door, revealing a policeman. He exchanges some words and drags the burglar along outside. Frances goes over to the lightswitch and turns it off, returning the lighting to the nighttime blue. She then picks up the bag of swag that's been behind the sofa and follows out the front door, shuts it, and locks it.

There is a minute or so of silence on the stage, and then there is some thumping offstage left. There is a general noise of searching and pillaging for another minute, and then two men dressed in black, carrying larger bags of swag. One of them is having difficulty picking things up because his hands are sore for some reason. The other rifles through the stuff in the living room, taking some things, discarding others, and generally making a mess. The first goes into the kitchen and causes some more crashing and banging from in there. He then returns from the kitchen and exchanges glances with his partner, and stalks off through the door left again. The other takes a moment to put down the sack and withdraw a familiar looking pen and notebook set from a pocket somewhere. He scrawls a hasty note and rips it out, sticking it somehow to the front door. He puts the pen and notebook back into his pocket, picks up the bag, and steals off to the left. There is a fadeout.

There is a fade-in to the same nighttime lighting shortly thereafter. You can hear the voices of Martin and Frances outside the front door, talking as they open it and come in.

FRANCES:

I can't believe how you went on and on about how good a "catch" that was.

MARTIN:

But it was a good catch. And I still think we should have brought the camera.

FRANCES:

I'm sure the policemen weren't at all interested in your personal heroics. They do this sort of thing every day.

MARTIN:

I don't think I'm exaggerating, do you?

 

Frances goes over to the lightswitch as Martin shuts the front door.

MARTIN:

I wonder how much he weighed? I can see it now: What a catch! 70 inches, 180 lbs.

 

Frances manages to get the lights to come on by flipping the switch and hitting the wall during this last bragging by Martin. The room is revealed as a ransacked mess.

FRANCES:

Oh my goodness! We really have been burglarized!

 

Martin slumps against the door, apparently in shock, but after a few seconds he has a bemused look on his face.

FRANCES:

Martin? How could you possibly be smiling at a time like this?

 

Martin starts to say something but then notices the note on the door right next to his head. He grabs it and reads it.

MARTIN: (laughing) 

What a relief! Yeah!!

 

He seems very happy.

FRANCES:

What are you talking about? What does that note say?

MARTIN:

It says, "You should have seen the one that got away." (he pauses)  Apparently, it's from Billings.

FRANCES:

Goodness! You were right, then, weren't you? But why are you so happy? And what do you mean "What a relief?"

MARTIN:

I've been worrying since he got here that he was planning to rob us blind, and now that he's gone and done it it's a real load off of my mind. Now I don't have to be kept in suspense.

FRANCES:

Well, that may be true, but it's no reason to be happy. Oh, they even stole the antique clock.

MARTIN:

Well, I picked up something else today that I never told you about.

FRANCES:

And what was that?

MARTIN:

A major insurance policy. (he looks around)  I think we may end up making money on this. Hee hee!

FRANCES:

Oh, you're incorrigible.

 

Martin grabs her spontaneously and hugs her. They're slightly off-balance, and end up spinning around. They careen backwards slightly, onto the mat, and thump into the window. A small klaxon sounds and the big black net falls from nowhere and lands right on top of them, smothering them. They both think this is really humourous and begin laughing.

FRANCES:

You mean this is what you had in that box all that time?

MARTIN:

Yes.

FRANCES:

You silly! (she begins to try to lift it up)  How do we get out of this thing?

MARTIN:

We don't.

FRANCES:

Ooh!

 

Martin elbows the wall and the lights go out, leaving them in the nighttime darkness. Cool light shines in through the window. There are some hushed whispers and giggles for a minute, then a pause. Martin begins to stare up and out the window. Frances does so also.

MARTIN: (breaking the silence) 

Frances?

FRANCES:

Yes, dear?

MARTIN:

Why is glass transparent?

 

FINAL FADE-OUT.