SECRET AGENT MOM

©1991 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

"SECRET AGENT MOM"   INT. BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT - DAY The waiter arrives with their food. Both are just having salads.           KATE       (to waiter) Oh thanks.       (to North) So tell me, what do you do when you're not, like, working and stuff?           NORTH That depends. You mean hobbies?           KATE Sure, hobbies! What do you do for fun?           NORTH Well, it's not exactly for fun, but I'm what you might call a collector.           KATE Really? What do you collect? He stares at her for a moment.           NORTH Didn't your friend tell you? Kate's expression is completely blank. He has caught her mid-bite,with a piece of lettuce dangling out of her mouth.           KATE       (chewing the lettuce) No... She doesn't usually tell me anything because she says she can't trust me. She says I talk to much, but I don't think I do. North exchanges a glance with ARNOLD and SYLVESTER, who are standingover by the rear exit, partially hidden by decorative plants. They nod andleave.           KATE Do you?           NORTH I think you're just fine.       (beat) Well, Sarah...           KATE Sally.           NORTH Sally. I deal in commodities. If you get my meaning. After a moment of puzzlement, an expression of recognition crossesKate's face.           KATE       (lowering her voice) Ohhhhh! You're that guy, too! Sorry, I see so many guys I can't keep all of you straight any more.       (winking) I got you.           NORTH Would you like to know more about it?           KATE Gee, I don't know. I'm not really into all that.           NORTH       (getting up) Come on. I'll show you. He pulls Kate up from her seat and starts leading her to the rearexit.           KATE But what about my salad...?   EXT. ALLEYWAY BEHIND RESTAURANT - DAY North leads Kate out through the back door into a seedy-looking alley.           KATE       (squinting) Gee, it's really bright out here. She reaches in her purse and starts to pull out a pair of sunglasses.Suddenly, Arnold and Sylvester, who have appeared from nowhere, grab herroughly. Arnold swings her around and shoves her face-first into the wallof the building and holds her there by the back of the neck. Sylvester ripsher purse away from her. The sunglasses fall to the ground and get steppedon in the scuffle. Sylvester keeps one hand with a gun aimed at Kate, andtries to shake open the purse with the other.           KATE       (squealing, still       in character) What's going on? What are you doing?           ARNOLD Shut up! Arnold twists her arm a little more. Sylvester turns her purse upside-downand the contents clatter to the ground, still holding his gun at Kate. Nothingsuspicious comes out, just her wallet, makeup and various knickknacks.           KATE Ow. Cut it out! That's my stuff! You're getting it all dirty! Arnold, a sick grin on his face, grips even tighter, causing herto squirm. North picks up Kate's wallet and flips through it, finding nothingsuspicious, which makes him even more suspicious.           KATE This isn't very funny!           SYLVESTER       (handing North the purse) Nothing in here, Jack.           NORTH Let me see. He takes a good look in it. We see from the expression on his facethat it's empty.           ARNOLD Should I let her go?           KATE Yes!           NORTH No. Search her first. Both Thugs leap at the chance to run their hands over her. Whilethey engage in this operation, North shakes the purse again and notice itfeels heavy. He begins to feel and squeeze it.           NORTH Wait! The two thugs stop. North grabs a hold of the material and tearsthe purse apart at the seams. Kate's handgun spills out of whatever secretcompartment it was in and rattles to the ground. North leans down to pickit up.           SYLVESTER See, I told you... Everyone is momentarily distracted. Kate spins around out of Arnold'sgrip, slapping his face right into the cement wall. She grabs at Sylvester'sgun and shoots him in his right foot. As he collapses in pain, she grabsthe gun and uses the butt of it to knock Arnold in the head. She looks upat North, who is raising the handgun to fire at her. She lunges at him andkicks it out of his hand. He is stunned, helpless. She aims the rifle athis forehead.           KATE Don't move. Suddenly, she senses movement behind her. North's quick, involuntaryglance over her shoulder also clues her to the fact that Arnold is rushingher from behind. She spins out of the way just in time, getting Arnold inthe gut with the side of the gun. North sprints off as fast as he can. Sylvesteris still yelling and screaming. Arnold rolls to his feet and whips out his huge knife. Trying totake her by surprise, he throws the knife at Kate. She blocks it with thegun, and the end of the knife sticks into the metal casing of the gun. Shetakes aim on Arnold again.           KATE Any more tricks up your sleeve? Arnold surrenders. From around the side of the building behind Kateas well as from the back door of the restaurant come five agents, includingJeff and Murphy. She glances around quickly when she hears them coming,keeping her eye trained on Arnold. Everyone ignores the pleadings of Sylvesterfor help.           JEFF Kate! Are you okay?           KATE Situation normal. What the hell happened? Where were you guys? The agents put cuffs on Arnold and Sylvester. They also start tobandage his bloody feet.           MURPHY       (glaring at Jeff) We had a little technical trouble in the van. Sorry.           KATE Great. It's a good thing there weren't more of them. So what's the story?           MURPHY We think there was a tip-off.           KATE A tip-off? How could there have been a tip-off?           JEFF We don't know yet.           KATE Well find out. Where's North?           MURPHY He took off in his car.           KATE What? Didn't anyone stop him? She starts to leave, but Jeff stops her.           JEFF Wait, we want to let him go. We think he may be running back to home base.           KATE Do you think he's stupid enough to do that?           MURPHY We think he's scared enough to do that. He gestures with his head at the pitiful-looking thugs. Kate looks,then relaxes and shrugs. Murphy pats her on the arm and she smiles.   EXT. FREEWAY - DAY As North's car speeds along, heading out of town.   INT. NORTH'S CAR - DAY North looks extremely anxious; he's just now calming down. With oneeye on the road, he reaches over to turn on his radio. He passes througha couple of station as he adjusts the tuner. He settles on a traffic report.           RADIO VOICE Traffic today looks pretty good from up here. There was a minor crack-up near the _____ overpass about forty minutes ago, but things are starting to clear up. For everyone headed out of town, there's mostly smooth sailing ahead.   INT. THE TRAFFIC HELECOPTER - DAY We see North's car exit the freeway from the helicopter's point ofview. The RADIO ANNOUNCER is still rattling on about the traffic conditions,but he's carefully watching North's car, and is pointing it out to the PILOT,who changes direction accordingly.           RADIO ANNOUNCER That's it for the lunchtime traffic report. Tune in again to KKYY 107.1 FM at 4:30 p.m. and I'll be here to give you the nitty and the gritty of the rush hour scene. And now back to Jessica in the studio. Very dimly in the background, over the noise of the helicopter andfighting radio static, we hear the DJ back in the studio resuming the broadcast.The radio announcer lowers the microphone and stares out the window. Wesee North's car heading towards an abandoned airfield. The announcer switcheson a separate transmitter and raises its microphone to his mouth.   EXT. PARKING LOT FOR THE BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT - DAY Focus on Murphy, who is standing outside a car, holding one earphoneof a headset to his right ear. The headset cord snakes back into the car,connected to a radio similar to the one in the helicopter. Behind him, theThugs are being piled into a car and Kate is standing around with Jeff,looking restless.           MURPHY       (into headset mike) Uh huh. Uh huh. Right. He tosses the headset into the car and yells to Kate and Jeff.           MURPHY We got him! Let's go! Everyone scrambles into their cars.   EXT. OLD AIRCRAFT HANGAR - DAY North's car pulls up and screeches to a halt. There are no othercars in sight except a beat-up old pickup. North hops out and runs up tothe front door. It looks like it hasn't been used in years. He pushes onit but it doesn't budge. He pounds on it furiously.           NORTH Open up! This is important! It's North. Open up! The door creaks open, fighting rusty hinges. The face of a guardpeeks out the crack, recognizes North, then disappears. North squeezes throughthe crack.   INT. THE HANGAR - DAY North enters and the guard shuts the door behind him. The giganticroom is mostly empty. Seven or so large crates are stacked against one wall.A covered truck is parked near the crates. The rest of the place is emptyexcept for miscellaneous leftover airplane parts. Across the hangar is a small office. The office looks clean and tidy,as if it were new, in sharp contrast to everything else around. Anotherguard sits outside the office eating a sandwich. North runs across the hangar to the office, his footsteps echoingin the empty chamber. The guard doesn't look up from his sandwich. He looksbored, but content about being paid to just sit around.           NORTH       (knocking on the       office door) Let me in. It's important. The door swings open. North enters.   INT. HANGAR OFFICE - DAY The office is immaculate. Behind the desk sits TRAVERS, a prematurelywrinkled man, paunchy and out of shape, mid-50's, wearing an old-fashionedsuit and wireframe glasses. He sits at a large wooden desk, looking upsetat the intrusion.           TRAVERS What the hell do you want?           NORTH We got busted. They got Sylvester and Arnold. I think they're after me. Travers goes very cold. He gestures at North to shut the door. Hepicks up the phone and pushes one button on it. He straightens his tie ashe waits for an answer on the other end. We hear a tiny voice on the otherend say "Yeah?"           TRAVERS This is Travers.       (beat) We're set.   EXT. THE FREEWAY - DAY As Kate et al race to the aircraft hangar. Kate is in her familycar.   INT. HANGAR OFFICE - DAY The voice responds with instructions. It's impossible to understand.Travers nods and hangs up the phone.           TRAVERS All right. Let's go. Travers, paunchy and out of shape, struggles up from behind the deskand over to a large green sofa across the room. He gestures to North tohelp. The two of them grab the sofa legs and scrape it out from the wall.It moves with great difficulty, as if it were made of solid iron. Traversis already breaking a sweat. They push it as far away from the wall as theycan, revealing the front of a safe flush with the wall down near the floor.Travers squats down in front of it and starts to open it. North leaves theoffice.   EXT. THE FREEWAY - DAY Another shot of the cars. They're very close to the exit that Northtook.   INT. KATE'S CAR - DAY Kate is driving. Jeff is in the passenger seat. She looks troubled.           JEFF We're nearly there.           KATE Yes, I know.           JEFF Something wrong?           KATE I don't like chases where you're led right where you want to go. It's too easy. It's wrong.           JEFF You think it's another set-up?           KATE I don't know. It's just a feeling. I don't want to make the same mistake twice in one day.           JEFF       (reassuring) The last time you had one of those feelings it turned out to be nothing. Kate doesn't respond. She still suspects something.   EXT. THE FREEWAY - DAY As Kate and the other cars, now a convoy of a dozen or so, exit thefreeway.   INT. HANGAR OFFICE - DAY Travers has the safe open. The safe is extremely thick, several inches,leaving a storage space of about one cubic foot. Inside is a shiny metalbox and a bunch of neatly stacked papers. Travers pulls out the box. North returns holding a can of gasoline. He starts sloshing it everywhere,starting with Travers' desk. He gets every corner of the room, the insidesof the file cabinet, and the green sofa. He steps over to Travers, who isback on his feet.           NORTH       (indicating the       box) Open it. Travers tries to find the catch to open it. It fumbles in his nervousfingers. The box suddenly springs open. Its contents, a huge stock of computerchips, spills into a pile on the floor.   INSERT - CLOSEUP OF THE FLOOR As one of the chips skids far away from the rest of the pile, landingpast North's feet.   RETURN TO SCENE           NORTH Careful! Travers shakes the last couple of chips from the box and tosses itto one side. He stomps on the pile of chips, crushing them into pieces.           NORTH All right, get going. Travers huffs and puffs his way around the sofa and grabs his briefcase.North spills a large amount of gasoline onto the pile of chips, then spillsit around the area, and finally on the papers in the safe. He takes outa lighter and lights it. With a dramatic gesture he throws it onto the pileof chips. They burst into a gigantic flame, bigger than North expected.The room quickly catches all at once.           NORTH       (panicking) Quick! Out, out! He scrambles out of the room, shoving Travers ahead of him.   INSERT - CLOSEUP OF THE EXTRA CHIP As North kicks it in the confusion to exit. It slides safely outof burning office along with North and Travers, landing just outside thedoor.   INT. THE HANGAR - DAY The two guards are loading the big crates into the back of the truck.North and Travers run over to it.           NORTH Hurry, hurry! Travers heads for the truck. North runs over to the giant hangardoor and pulls it open, revealing a line of cars and armed agents waitingoutside.   EXT. THE HANGAR - DAY Aerial shot showing the ring of cars completely encircling the hangar.           MURPHY (V.O)       (on bullhorn) Throw down your weapons and move away from the truck. You are all under arrest. Make no sudden moves.   INT. THE HANGAR - DAY The agents start to move in, including Kate. Smoke is everywherebecause of the burning office. North runs back in. Travers looks completelypanicked, sweating like a pig. North grabs a machine gun from one of theguards.           GUARD       (surprised) Hey man, that's my gun! Kate takes aim on North.           KATE Drop it! Drop the gun! North holds it as if he's going to fire at Kate, then suddenly swingsit around at Travers and fires. Travers is riddled with bullets and goesover like a sack of potatoes.           GUARD What the -- ?           KATE No! Stop him! A sudden explosion from the office distracts everyone long enoughfor North to turn the gun on himself and fire. The gun rattles to the groundsickeningly. The guard stares wide-eyed at North and Travers.           GUARD Jesus Christ these guys are nuts!   INT. THE HANGAR - DAY Close-up of one of the crates as the agents crack it open. Styrofoampopcorn spills everywhere. A couple of agents start digging around in it.Jeff pulls out a couple of plastic baggies full of cocaine and heroin.           JEFF Well, here's the jackpot. Kate frowns. She isn't convinced.           KATE Why would they kill themselves over this? Drug dealers don't usually do that. They're vermin, but they're not psychotic. They wanted to cut themselves off. They're protecting something.           JEFF But we've got the goods right here. Isn't this what they'd be protecting?           KATE That's the problem. If what they were trying to hide is right here, and they knew we had it, why would they need to kill themselves? It doesn't make sense to me.           JEFF Well, maybe the drug ring has bigger connections, and they were cutting themselves off from the boss.           KATE Maybe.           JEFF Don't sweat it, Kate. The DEA claims it's going to take it from here, anyway. Kate wanders off on her own search of the hangar as they crack opena second crate and find the same stuff. She wanders over to the burned outoffice and takes a look inside. There's nothing to see there. She sits inthe guard's chair to give herself a moment to think. Suddenly, she spots the missing chip out of the corner of her eye.She starts to call everyone over to look at it, then stops herself. Shequietly moves over to it and crouches on the ground next to it. She picksit up gently with her fingertips and then palms it. Across the room, Murphy looks up and sees her.           MURPHY       (calling to her) Got something, Kate?           KATE       (calmly) No, not really. Just a stray bullet casing.           MURPHY Ah. Leave it, we've got hundreds already.           KATE Right. She gets up and crosses over to Murphy.           MURPHY Well, I think we can clean up from here. Thanks, Kate.           KATE You sure you got it from here?           MURPHY Of course. Besides, it's way past your punch-out time for today, anyway. Kate's eyes spring wide open. She grabs Murphy.           KATE It is? What time is it?           MURPHY About 4.           JEFF 20 'till.           KATE My kids! I'm late picking them up! They're going to wonder where I am! She races out of the hangar at top speed. Jeff and Murphy grin ateach other as they watch her leave.   EXT. KATE'S HOUSE - DAY As Jeremy and Susan wander wearily up the front walk, having walkedhome from school. Jeremy tries the front doorknob, but it's locked. He knocks.           JEREMY (calling) Mom?           SUSAN The car's not here. She's out somewhere again.   INT. KATE'S CAR - DAY Kate is speeding along the Freeway on her way home, going a bit toofast. Also distracting her from driving safely is the fact that she is attemptingto change back into her business suit as she drives. People in other carsreact in various ways as they see her engaged in this activity. She is talking to CHARLIE, a friend at the agency, via the radioin her car, which has been modified to act as a transmitter/ receiver. Alittle red light glowing on the front is the only thing that reveals thismodification.           KATE Are you sure about that, Charlie?           CHARLIE       (on phone) Don't worry, Ms. Collins. It's all under control. Your kids are walking home. Clear on the left.   INT. THE AGENCY - CHARLIE'S CUBICLE - DAY Charlie sits at a cluttered desk in what looks like an office buildingcubicle. Young, energetic, efficient, in his mid-20's, he's essentiallyan Agency gruntworker. A friend of Kate's, he has a crush on her, but he'sthe only one who thinks it's a secret. Amidst the miscellaneous papers andpiles of computer disks (some of which are CD-ROM) is a tiny framed pictureof Kate. Charlie's computer monitor is currently showing a helicopter viewof Kate's car, moving into the leftmost lane to pass another car. Charlieis talking to her on a microphone connected to a box which is hooked intohis terminal. Data about Kate's location and her vehicle speed, as wellas some other information, frames the visual image on the monitor. Charlieis following her progress with interest, trying to guide her home.           KATE       (on speaker) Walking home? Oh no! Are they almost home?           CHARLIE I think they're already there, Ms. Collins.           KATE       (on speaker) Oh no, they're going to kill me. I promised I wouldn't forget to pick them up any more.           CHARLIE I'm sure they'll forgive you.   INT. KATE'S CAR - DAY Kate is paying her clothes much more attention than her driving.           KATE       (on speaker) What am I going to tell them when I get home?           CHARLIE Don't worry about it. We left them a note from you. Just head home and ... oh, this is your exit, Ms. Collins! Kate, who has been busy changing, has been paying less attentionto the road than Charlie, who is apparently monitoring her back at the agency.She looks up, startled, and cuts over just a little too late for the exit,causing consternation among the other cars.   INT. KATE'S HOUSE - ENTRYWAY - DAY Jeremy and Susan let themselves in with a key hidden outside.           SUSAN Mommmm!           JEREMY Mom? We're home.   INT. KATE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY They wander into the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator.Susan takes it off and reads it. In a clever forgery of Kate's handwriting,the note reads, "Kids-- Gone shopping. Be back around 4pm. Love, Mom."   EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREETS - DAY Kate zooms closer to her house.   EXT. KATE'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY Kate pulls into the driveway and hops out of the car, adjusting herclothes. A couple of plainclothes agents appear out of nowhere and dab offher face and help fix her hair as she walks from her car to her front door.Just as she gets to her doorway a young kid hands her two bags full of groceriesand then rides off on a bicycle.   INT. KATE USE - ENTRYWAY - DAY Kate bursts in with the groceries, still full of adrenaline.           KATE       (triumphantly) I'm home! The kids, sitting in the TV room, turn slowly around and stare at her. CUT TO: