MRS. RUGRAT’S BEEN MURDERED

©1987 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

 

SCENE SIX

 

The chairs are rearranged slightly but it is still the same room. Mr. Fonebone, Mrs. Slalom, the cook, the maid, and Mrs. Lintball are in the room. From their manner it appears they are the only ones left. Mr. Fonebone looks decidedly disheveled, and sits apart from the rest of them, brooding.

MR. FONEBONE: (breaking the silence after a longpause) 

Look, I know we've been over this over and over, but...but any one of us could be the culprit at this point. Even..

HARRY: (suddenly waltzing through the door tothe left, holding his fishing hat) 

Even YOU, Mr. Fonebone?

 

There is a dramatic chord of music. Appropriately, everyone gasps.

MR. FONEBONE:

Cudgel? But weren't you dead last night?

HARRY:

Me? Obviously not. Never felt better, in fact.

MR. FONEBONE:

I'm... (buryingface in hands)  ..terribly confused.

HARRY:

Well, you have good reason to be. This was all an elaborate plot to drive you insane.

MR. FONEBONE: (lifts head) 

Pardon?

HARRY: (yelling out left door) 

Okay, it's all clear.

 

Everyone stares as Mr. Sandbag, Mr. Lintball, the twins, Mr. Slapstick, and Mrs. Rugrat enter the room.

HARRY:

You wouldn't be so confused right now had you gone and checked up on their deaths yourself.

MR. FONEBONE: But..but.. (he stares) Where's Mr. Frugal? Surely he..

HARRY:

Surely he had to catch a train this morning since you prevented him from leaving yesterday.

MR. FONEBONE:

But.. the cyanide.. I smelled it!

HARRY:

You smelled a liberal dose of almond extract.

 

He pulls out a small bottle.

HARRY: (sarcastically) 

Funny how it smells JUST LIKE almonds, isn't it?

MR. FONEBONE:

I.. don't understand. And what of Mrs. Bayleaf?

HARRY:

She, I'm sorry to say, is truly gone.

MR. FONEBONE:

Oh. Where do you get off doing this to me?

HARRY:

Don't take it so personally. It was directed at you, but I hadn't expected you to be so insane about it. I was very interested in seeing how you went about accusing each and every person, in turn, of murder all night long.. without once checking up on the facts. Learning about human nature is a hobby of mine.. and it helps in my work sometimes.

MR. FONEBONE: (bitterly) 

And just what IS your job? I bet you're ...

HARRY: (cutting him off) 

Remember that convention I had to go to? Well, it was for private detectives, actually. I have some pamphlets I picked up there if you'd like to see some proof.

 

He pulls one from his jacket and offers it, but Mr. Fonebone just stares.

MR. FONEBONE:

A...detective?

HARRY:

Yup. (he tips his fishing hat)  At your service. I'm having a most interesting stay here, though I meant to get a little more away from my job while on vacation.

MR. FONEBONE:

Well.. you certainly don't LOOK like a detective... (he pauses)  or SOUND like one.

HARRY:

Hey, I like this hat. And.. I must admit I'm normally not so loud, but the best way to hide yourself is to be as obvious as possible. (he glares at Fonebone)  I think you know all about that, somehow. About Miss Bayleaf...

MR. FONEBONE: (worried look) 

Miss..uh.. Bayleaf? (he swallows)  Yes?

 

Harry stares again and folds his arms.

HARRY:

You DID have a motive for murdering her, didn't you?

MR. FONEBONE: (abruptly, defensively) 

ME?? No, of COURSE not!

HARRY: Oh, come on. Admit it!

MR. FONEBONE:

I have NOTHING to admit!

 

Harry does not remove his stare. Mr. Fonebone breaks down a little.

MR. FONEBONE:

Okay, well.. I suppose you could say I didn't like her.. but that's still...

HARRY: (interrupting)

Still what? Do tell the truth, it will make things much simpler.

MR. FONEBONE: (blurting) 

All right! I admit it! I had a motive.. I even thought about it once or twice...but I still didn't kill her!

 

Harry unfolds his arms and appears amused at the reaction for a second, but he sobers up.

HARRY:

I know that. You couldn't have.

MR. FONEBONE: (shocked) 

WHAT? Then why did you put me through that just now? And how did you know that I had a motive?

HARRY: (shrugging) 

I didn't, really. What you might call an educated guess. I agree, it was cruel, but I wanted to see what kind of reaction I'd get out of you. (he smiles)  And I must admit.. I hadn't expected a quite so interesting reaction.

MR. FONEBONE:

You SWINE! (Harry doesn't blink)  Okay, so if I didn't kill Miss Bayleaf.. who DID?

 

He glares at all the guests, who simply stare back stupidly, unsure what to think of the conversation going on.

HARRY:

Oh, stop accusing everyone. Nobody here murdered her.

 

Everyone is shocked at this remark

MR. FONEBONE: (meekly) 

No one..? But.. who...?

HARRY:

Oh, it was some penny-ante burglar. The morning after I called the police and they'd picked him up.. was so shook up he admitted to the whole thing right then and there.

MR. FONEBONE:

A common.. burglar?

HARRY:

Yep. Seems he was breaking in and Miss Bayleaf thought she'd be brave and confront him.. chase him away. Lot of good that did.. he was so surprised he shot at her without thinking.

 

Several people let out gasps. Fonebone is sinking slowly inside himself

HARRY:

And YOU, Mr. Fonebone... going around accusing everyone.. putting them through that for nothing.

 

He begins to pace slowly behind Fonebone, who is standing toward the audience with his head down.

HARRY:

Yep, the easiest way to hide yourself is to be as obvious as possible. In a way, you were doing that. I was watching you the whole time. You, the only one who had a motive, I'm sure...were so paranoid that someone would accuse you of murder wrongly that you had to point the finger at everyone else... to take charge of the affair. I think you owe these people an apology. And I hope you can live with yourself.

 

Fonebone sinks to the ground. Harry straightens up and resumes his usual cheery mood.

HARRY:

Well, folks, I guess I'll be heading out now. Still have a few days of vacation time left and I'd like to get some fishing in.

 

He proceeds to the door, stopping in front of Mrs. Slalom.

HARRY:

I called about getting some better security installed in the hotel.. someone should be by tomorrow morning.

 

She nods. Harry starts to walk out, stops, and turns to Mrs. Fonebone who is right beside the door.

HARRY:

He'll be okay.

 

Harry tips his hat to everyone, smiles, and exits stage left.

There is a long pause, after which everyone sighs, looks around, then files out of the room. Mrs. Slalom, the maid, and Mrs. Rugrat exit to the left, the cook and the bellhop go out the middle door, and the guests except for Mr. Sandbag and Mrs. Fonebone leave to the right. Mr. Sandbag is seated at the table he was occupying before.

Mr. Fonebone looks wearily up and sees that most everyone has gone, then puts his head down again. Mrs. Fonebone walks over and puts her hand on his shoulder, but he does not move. She pats him consolingly and exits to the left, shutting the door behind her

Mr. Sandbag slowly rises and walks over near Mr. Fonebone. He pauses there a second, and Fonebone slowly rises his head and stares up at Sandbag. He cracks a weak smile

MR. FONEBONE: Morning, Fred.

 

He extends his hand, and Mr. Sandbag pulls Fonebone to his feet.

Sandbag: Good day, Fonebone.

 

He pats him on the back, nods to him, then exits to the right, closing the door with a thump. Mr. Fonebone stands there a second, looking after him, then he stares down at his own, scruffy appearance. He takes a moment to straighten his tie a little and to tuck his shirt in. He dignifies himself a bit more and clears his throat. He walks over to the door to the left and opens it. He speaks out the door.

 

MR. FONEBONE:

Mrs. Slalom... hold my mail, would you? (he says as he exits)  I'll.. be back in a bit.

 

He closes the door behind him. The lights slowly fade.

 

Epilogue