MRS. RUGRAT’S BEEN MURDERED

©1987 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

 

SCENE FIVE

 

It is the dining area of the hotel. Individual tables are in the room,and the guests appear to be in a lighter mood than before. Harry and Mr. Frugal are seated at the leftmost table, having a somewhat lively discussion. Mr. and Mrs. Lintball are at another table, talking with Mrs. Rugrat. The twins, Patty and Marcie, are eating with Mr. Sandbag, whose usually somber face is smiling. They giggle every now and then, in unison. Mr. and Mrs. Fonebone are at a table upstage from the others slightly, and Mr. Fonebone looks somewhat distraught. Mr. Slapstick is eating at a table by himself. For a short time there is a humm of conversation in the room, and Mrs. Slalom is helping the maid serve. Mr. Frugal orders some wine and Mrs. Slalom pours him some.

(The conversation follows each table, in turn, and the others' discussions become pantomime until it lands on them.)

 

All conversations suddenly quiet as you hear the twins giggle loudly. Mr. Sandbag is halfway through dinner, but the twins aren't eating a thing.

PATTY:

Now, now, Freddy..

MR. SANDBAG: (chuckling, he sips some wine) 

Ahh, there's nothing like a good dinner to make you feel better. You girls sure you don't want anything to eat? My treat!

THE TWINS: (giggle) 

No thanks, we're on a diet!

MR. SANDBAG:

Hard to believe that (his voice begins to trail off as Mr. Lintball's rises in volume)  this morning everyone...

MR. LINTBALL: (voice rising in volume) 

...believe that this morning (his voice is now of normal volume and Mr. Sandbag and the girls are speaking in pantomime)  everyone was in such a dismal mood. I guess we've all put it out of our minds for the time being.

MRS. LINTBALL:

Yes, and I think it's all for the best.

MR. LINTBALL:

But avoiding reality isn't healthy. You can't just shut your eyes and pretend these things don't happen.

 

Over to the side, Mr. Frugal is sipping his drink and staring at it as if there is something odd about it. Only sharp-eyed audience members will catch this, though, even if he does exaggerate it.

MRS. LINTBALL:

John, really...

MR. LINTBALL:

I'm serious. I'm all for going on and all, but we can't deceive ourselves. The other night that poor young (his voice begins to fade)  girl lost her life in this hotel and.. (his voice goes out)

MR. FONEBONE: (meanwhile, Fonebone's voice hasbegun to come in) 

...lost her life in my hotel. My hotel, Joan. It's bad enough that it happened, but... (he looks around.)  And one of these people did it!

MRS. FONEBONE:

Now, now. You don't know that for sure.

MR. FONEBONE:

Everyone here was in the hotel at the time...except Harry. He could have snuck around from her room... there were footsteps in the ground outside her window and he was soaking wet...

MRS. FONEBONE:

Stop that right now! You can't go around accusing all of our guests of murder! He had to walk up from the taxi... of COURSE Mr. Cudgel got soaked!

MR. FONEBONE:

I don't know... I..

 

Harry suddenly lets out a large burst of laughter, drawing Mr. Fonebone'sattention. Harry and Mr. Frugal resume their meal. Mr. Fonebone turns backto his wife and lowers his voice to a hushed tone.

 

MR. FONEBONE:

I still don't trust him. Something about him. We don't even know what he does for a living!

MRS. FONEBONE: (as before, fading out) 

Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever..

MR. FRUGAL: (fading in) 

...ridiculous thing I've ever SEEN! It's a good thing I can catch a train tomorrow morning. What a loony.

HARRY:

Heh! Naw.. he was just overreacting a little.

MR. FRUGAL:

A LITTLE? I swear, the way he was holding my luggage hostage!

 

They both laugh again, and Mr. Frugal finishes his glass of wine. He looks at Harry, who looks swiftly around the room, and nods.

MR. FRUGAL:

Mrs. Slalom?

 

Mrs. Slalom, who was busy with something at the Lintballs' table, turns to Mr. Frugal.

MR. FRUGAL:

Could I have a fresh bottle of wine? There's something peculiar about this one.

MRS. SLALOM:

Certainly.

 

She gestures to the maid, who exits to the right. Mrs. Slalom finishes with the Lintballs and exits to the left just as the maid re-enters with a fresh bottle. She sets it down on the table and exits to the right. The ad-libbed hubub of the room returns as Mr. Frugal opens the bottle, gives it a sniff, and makes a face. He shrugs and pours himself a glass. He takes an exaggerated swig and slams the glass on the table. Suddenly he stands up, knocking his chair. Mr. Frugal sputters, chokes, and makes various gagging noises. With a melodramatic gasp, he falls to the floor, though it should be obvious to the audience that he is more putting himself down on the ground than collapsing. The guests are so shocked that they do not see this, and they all stand up to gape. Mr. Fonebone's mouth drops open, then shuts, then open.. he points and gestures as if trying to communicate but his vocal cords are not willing. Suddenly Harry sweeps out in front of everyone and waves them back.

HARRY:

Stand BACK, everyone! I'm trained in CPR! I'll handle this!

 

Harry leans down to Mr. Frugal, and stands up again.

HARRY:

My GOD, he's DEAD!

MR. FONEBONE:

DeaD?! But...but...!

THE TWINS:

EeEEEeeeeeeeeK!

MR. LINTBALL:

Good god, not again!

Harry:

At least I think so...we've got to get him to the hospital!

 

Harry calls Mr. Slapstick over and the two carry Mr. Frugal out to theleft.

MR. FONEBONE:

My god! But.. (everyone stares at the wine glass)  Hold on! (he strides purposefully to the glass and inspects it.)  It seems to be okay.. but.. . (he sniffs it)  Wait a minute! (he sniffs again)  My god! It smells like... like...

MR. LINTBALL:

Like what? (he walks over and smells it.)  My god, it smells like bitter almonds!

MR. FONEBONE: (with shocking revelation) 

ARSENIC!

MR. LINTBALL: (out of the side of his mouth,in a low voice) 

Cyanide.

MR. FONEBONE:

Er... CYANIDE!

HARRY: (bursting into the room) 

POISONED! It must be that new wine bottle! (he gestures dramatically)  Someone sabotaged it!

MR. FONEBONE: (sputtering) 

Mrs. SLALOM!

 

She enters, wondering what the confusion going on is.

MRS. SLALOM:

Yes?

MR. FONEBONE:

Where did you get that wine bottle? No wait.. it was the maid! SYBILL!

 

The maid enters.

SYBILL:

Yes?

MR. FONEBONE:

I hereby charge you with MURDER!

HARRY:

Hold on, it's not her! You see.. I overheard a conversation this afternoon... I KNOW who the murderer is!

EVERYONE:

WHO?

HARRY: (loudly) 

THE MURDERER? IT WAS..

 

The lights suddenly go out, and a shot is heard.

HARRY:

ARRRGHHH!!

 

The lights go on, and Harry is clutching his chest. There is slight evidence of blood on his hands.

HARRY:

It was... was...

 

He starts to faint, and stumbles out the door. Everyone stands in shock for a second, and there is a pause when they all look at each other, then stare out the door. Mr. Fonebone races out the door, but walks back in with a puzzled expression moments later.

MR. FONEBONE:

He's gone! Not a trace of him! (he thinks a moment)  Or of Mr. Slapstick or Mr. Frugal, for that matter!

MR. LINTBALL:

But where...? (his voice trails off in thought)

 

A loud cry is heard offstage right

MR. FONEBONE:

My god! That sounded like Mr. Slapstick!

 

Mr. Sandbag and Mr. Lintball race off to the right.

MR. FONEBONE: (whimpering) 

I can't believe this is happening.

 

The twins are cowering in the corner in horror, and everyone is staring around dumbly for a minute. Mr. Fonebone sinks into his chair, and his wife comforts him. Mr. Lintball returns.

MR. LINTBALL:

It was.. horrible. Open window. Someone.. must have pushed him.

MR. FONEBONE:

Mr. Slapstick? Gone?

MR. LINTBALL:

Yes, I'm sure of it.

MR. FONEBONE:

My god.. a minute ago we were all having a peaceful dinner. Now everyone is disappearing.. including Mr... wait! Where is Mr. Sandbag? Wasn't he with you?

 

Mr. Lintball looks around behind him and stares out through the door.

MR. LINTBALL:

Why, yes he was.. I...

MR. FONEBONE:

YOU killed him!

MR. LINTBALL: Now wait a minute!

MR. FONEBONE: (looking around the room) 

You're ALL suspect! (he shakes a finger at everyone)  Every last one of you! And nobody is leaving this room until we find out who's behind all this!

THE TWINS: (whimpering) 

But.. we have to go to the bathrooom!

MR. FONEBONE: (softening) 

Uh.. well.. off you go, then.

 

The twins exit.

MR. FONEBONE:

If they die while they're gone I'll never forgive them.

 

Everyone sinks back into their seats and stares glumly at each otheras the lights slowly fade...

 

Scene 6