MRS. RUGRAT’S BEEN MURDERED

©1987 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

 

SCENE TWO

 

This is the room to the right of the lobby, plain but with 3 doors leading off from it — one to the lobby, one to the kitchen, and one that just leads off. Every guest in the hotel is in this room except for Mrs. Slalom, Mr. Fonebone, and Mr. Sandbag. All those present have a look of horror. Mr. Slapstick is sprawled out in the middle of the room and everyone is either gaping at him or averting their eyes. The twins are clutching each other in horror and backing away, and the cook and bellhop are peering in from the kitchen door.

MRS. SLALOM: (voice from outside left) 

She's been what ?

 

Mrs. Slalom and Mr. Fonebone enter from left.

MR. FONEBONE:

MURDERED! THERE! (He points at the body, and looks startled.)  Oh, did I say Mrs. Rugrat? I meant Mr. Slapstick.

MRS. RUGRAT: (a bit shaken up from shock) 

Hmmm? Did someone call me?

MRS. SLALOM:

No, Mrs. Rugrat.. it's quite all right. (She approaches the body but carefully stays clear.)  You.. sure he's dead?

MR. FONEBONE:

Well.. he looks dead!

MRS. FONEBONE:

Very dead!

MR. FONEBONE:

Not now, Joan.

 

JOAN FONEBONE quiets up and shuffles back a few steps. The cook tiptoes a little to get a better look. There is a pause.

MRS. SLALOM:

How can we be... sure?

MR. FONEBONE:

We can't! Well.. someone could try taking his pulse...

 

Everyone stares at each other.

MRS. SLALOM:

Well, Mr. Fonebone? We're waiting.

 

Mrs. Slalom, though appearing calm, is obviously just as shaken by the experience as everyone else.

MR. LINTBALL:

I had a first aid class many years ago.. I'll do it.

 

Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that someone else volunteered. Mr. Lintball approaches very slowly and cautiously, and it is apparent that he is not very happy at having to approach an alleged murder victim. Just as he gets next to Mr. Slapstick he kneels and wipes his brow. Carefully he reaches for Mr. Slapstick's wrist, and just as he comes close the twins shriek, causing everyone to jump out of their socks. Mr. Lintball crashes over backwards and scrambles up to his feet.

MR. LINTBALL:

Don't do that!!

THE TWINS:

Sorry!

MR. FONEBONE: (taking charge again) 

Okay, we agree he's dead. But.. how?

 

Everyone stares for a second.

HARRY: (breaking the silence) 

I'd say it was a case of acute death.

 

There is another pause, and Mrs. Slalom stares Harry down again. Suddenly Mr. Fonebone gets an idea.

MR. FONEBONE:

I know! Stabbing!

MR. FRUGAL:

No knife.

 

Everyone looks at the body of Mr. Slapstick again, Mr. Fonebone looking for a knife somewhere.

MR. FONEBONE:

Oh. Right.

MISS BAYLEAF:

Gunshot?

HARRY:

No bulletholes.

MR. FONEBONE:

Yeah, and no blood either.

MR. LINTBALL:

Poison?

MR. FRUGAL:

He wasn't eating anything.

MR. FONEBONE:

Choking?

HARRY:

Doubt it.

MR. FONEBONE:

Lethal injection?

 

Everyone stares.

MR. FONEBONE:

Well I don't know! Coulda been!

 

There is a long pause.

MR. FONEBONE:

Well, we all agree that he was murdered, right? So who did it?

 

They all stare suspiciously at each other, but almost immediately Mr. Sandbag bursts into the room carrying a large wrench.

MR. SANDBAG: (with a wild look in his eyes)

I DID IT!!!

 

Everyone stares in shock at Mr. Sandbag, who continues.

 

MR. SANDBAG:

I finally got that leaky faucet in my room to stop dripping!

 

Everyone stares intensely at Mr. Sandbag for a moment, and under the hard stares his maniacal grin fades. There is another long pause.

MRS. SLALOM: (breaking the silence) 

Oh, is THAT all?

MR. SANDBAG: (huffy) 

Is that all ? It's been driving me crazy for weeks! Why I.. I..

 

Mr. Sandbag sees Mr. Slapstick for the first time. Though he has nothing to hide, he realizes why everyone was staring at him and tries to subtly hide the wrench behind him as he speaks.

MR. SANDBAG:

Uhm.. say.. what's wrong with old Harry?

HARRY:

Who are you calling old?

MRS. SLALOM:

Not you — Mr. Slapstick is... was... also named Harry.

HARRY: (smiles) 

Is that right? Hey, what a... (sees Mr. Slapstick, suddenly gets a lump in his throat and swallows.)  .. uh.. coincidence.

MR. FONEBONE:

Well, I suggest we... (the lights go out again)  ...HEY! What the?

 

Sounds of confusion in the darkness, during which a door is heard opening and closing. The lights come on again, and where Mr. Slapstick was lying is Harry, face down

MR. FONEBONE:

My GOD! The murderer got him too!

HARRY: (lifts head) 

Who, me? Naw, I just tripped during the confusion.

 

Harry gets to his feet and dusts himself off.

MR. LINTBALL:

LOOK! Mr. Slapstick is gone!

MR. FRUGAL:

And so is Mr. Sandbag!

MR. FONEBONE:

So he was the killer after all! And since we're all witnesses... he's going to come after us too!

 

Everyone stares around in panic, not knowing what to do. The second dramatic chord plays as the lights go out, signalling the end of SCENE TWO.

 

Scene 3