MRS. RUGRAT’S BEEN MURDERED

©1987 by John Robinson Wheeler. All rights reserved.

 

SCENE ONE:

 

The stage opens on what appears to be the front lobby of an inn. There is faint music being piped in from somewhere. A woman of tidy appearance comes out behind the counter, adjusts a few things on the desk, and exits again. A man, HARRY CUDGEL, enters through the front door. He is wearing a fishing hat and carrying a large suitcase. Harry pauses in the middle of the room to set his luggage down and to search for a clerk.

HARRY: (bellowing)

HellooOoOOOOoooo!!! Anyyybodyyy heeeEeEeeEere?

 

Harry walks over to the countertop and rings the bell a few times.

HARRY:

Yoo-hooo! Anybody home? (rings bell again)  Hello? Hello?

 

While he carries on, the woman, MRS. SLALOM, reappears. As she speaks, she startles Harry.

MRS. SLALOM: (coldly)

May I hel;p you?

HARRY:

Oh! Hello there! Yes, I'd like a room for the weekend!

MRS. SLALOM:

Would you?

HARRY: (surprised at her attitude)

Why, yes, I would, in fact. If it's any trouble, I can take my business elsewhere.

 

A young man enters from a door to the right just as a young girl in a maid's outfit enters from the door Mrs. Slalom used.

MRS. SLALOM:

No, that won't be necessary. Good morning, Sybill. Sleep well, Mr. Fonebone?

 

Two TWIN GIRLS around 18 come in through the front door, giggling. Mrs. Slalom shuffles through some hotel books and does not look up from them.

MR. FONEBONE: (on his way out)

Just fine, Frieda!

HARRY:

Hi girls! You staying at this hotel?

MR. FONEBONE: (shouting from outside)

Hold my mail! I'll be back in a bit!

MRS. SLALOM: (yelling to Mr. Fonebone, but he is already out of earshot)

Please.. Don't call me Frieda.. I... oh, what's the use.

HARRY:

Frieda, eh?

 

He grins broadly. She stares coldly at Harry, whose smile abruptly fades. Her head returns to the books as she speaks to the maid, SYBILL.

MRS. SLALOM:

Sybill, please change the sheets in room 12. (changing her tone of voice somewhat)  Now, you said you wanted a room, Mr. ..ah...?

HARRY:

Cudgel. Harry Cudgel!

 

He extends hand to shake with Mrs. Slalom, but she does not move. The twins giggle, and Harry tips his hat to them.

MRS. SLALOM: (to the twins)

I'll be with you in a moment.

 

He looks at his watch.

HARRY:

Could we hurry this up a little? I have a convention to go to in an hour and I'd like to freshen up first.

MRS. SLALOM: (finally peering up from books) 

Oh, so sorry.

 

She turns the hotel register to Harry and shoves a pen into his hand.

MRS. SLALOM:

If you would sign here... you can have our standard single with washroom and view out back. That will be...

HARRY: (interrupting)

Oh, that's ok. (He flips a credit card onto the counter.) Whatever it is, just take it. I'll get the bill later.

 

An old man, MR. SANDBAG, walks through the door to the right. Mrs. Slalom turns away from Harry again.

MRS. SLALOM:

Have a good breakfast, Mr. Sandbag?

 

She picks up the credit card and stares at it. Harry smiles at the two young girls again, and they giggle in reply.

MR. SANDBAG:

Oh, it was just fine. (under his breath)  ..if you like digesting toxic waste...

MRS. SLALOM:

I'm sorry, we don't accept credit cards here.

HARRY:

Oh no? Well.. uh.. how about traveller's cheques?

 

Mr. Sandbag exits and Mr. Fonebone passes him.

MR. FONEBONE: (in background as Mrs. Slalom speaks)

Morning, Fred.

MR. SANDBAG: (also in background)

Good day, Fonebone.

MRS. SLALOM: (frowning) 

I suppose they will have to do.

 

Harry begins signing for his room as Mr. Fonebone catches sight of the twin girls. He approaches them and waves a little.

MR. FONEBONE:

Hi girls! You new around here?

 

The twins giggle again and nod.

MR. FONEBONE:

Well, I'm pretty much a regular by now. (laughs to himself)  The name's Fonebone... Stallone Fonebone.

 

Harry finishes up and begins to pick up his luggage, but a bellhop rushes in from the door behind Mrs. Slalom and carries them off. Harry shrugs and follows.

MRS. SLALOM: (gesturing at the twins)

You next.

THE TWINS: (in unison)

Nice meeting you Mr. Fonebone!

MRS. SLALOM: (clearing her throat) 

Ahem. You would like to rent a room?

THE TWINS:

Oh, yes!

MRS. SLALOM: (shuffling through books)

And your names, please?

THE TWINS:

Marcia and Patricia.

MARCIE:

Well, I'm Marcie and...

PATTY:

...And I'm Patty.

 

They giggle in unison again. Mrs. Slalom frowns. Harry comes downstairs, speaking to the bellhop. He fishes into his pocket for a tip.

MRS. SLALOM:

I suppose you'd like a double room, then?

MARCIE:

Oh, no.. a single is fine!

MRS. SLALOM:

But that only has one single bed.

PATTY:

Oh, that's okay!

 

The twins look at each other.

THE TWINS: We share EVERYTHING!

 

Harry has finished tipping the bellhop and overhears this last remark. He raises his eyebrows and smirks. The girls see him and he waves to them again.

HARRY: (as he exits)

Everything, huh? Woo woo!

 

The girls giggle again, but it is impossible to tell whether they overheard Harry or are just being bubbleheads.

MRS. SLALOM:

Sign here please.

 

The two grab for the pen at the same time, look at each other, and giggle again. Mrs. Slalom clasps her head and groans. Marcie signs first, and the two girls start to go.

PATTY:

Oh, wait!

MRS. SLALOM:

Yes?

MARCIE::

Do you have a list of guests at the hotel?

PATTY:

We think we may know someone who's staying here, but we're not sure!

MRS. SLALOM: (looking thoughtful)

Well.. there's Mr. Sandbag, Mr. Frugal, Miss Bayleaf, Mr. and Mrs. Fonebone, Mrs. Rugrat, Mr. Slapstick, Mr. and Mrs. Lintball, and ... oh, Mr. Cudgel.

 

Patty and MARCIE: shake their heads.

MARCIE:

No, we don't seem to know any of them!

MRS. SLALOM:

What a shame. Well, good morning.

 

She turns to leave.

PATTY:

Wait! What about the staff?

 

Mrs. Slalom turns around and glares. MR. FRUGAL and MRS. LINTBALL come in at the same time, though not together. MR. LINTBALL follows. They all nod to Mrs. Slalom as they exit to the right.

MRS. SLALOM:

Well, there's the chief maid, Sybill, and the bellhop, the cook, and the gardener, Mr. Crabgrass. There is also the cleaning staff, the groundskeeper, the night watchman, and the waiters...but most have been dismissed for the holidays. (she frowns)  Do you have any idea what whoever you're looking for does ?

 

The twins shake their heads in unison, giggle, then exit. Mrs. Slalom looks pensive but purturbed as she puts away some of the books on the counter. She begins to sort mail when the lights suddenly go out.

MRS. SLALOM: (tired of all the hassles of the morning)

Oh, what now ?

 

From the right there is a muffled uproar and sounds of scuffling, followed by silence. The lights come back on and Mrs. Slalom breathes a sigh of relief. Almost immediately, you hear the twins shriek in unison and Mr. Fonebone comes crashing through the door to the right.

MR. FONEBONE: (panicked)

Come quick! Mrs. Rugrat's been MURDERED!

 

The background music suddenly becomes the shrill blare of a dramatic chord as the lights fade out.

 

Scene 2