MELANCHOLIA

 

A seizing melancholia --
Utter, languid melancholia
Turns my mind to heartaches
I have year to bear in youth.

My thoughts return to old mistakes
And the feelings it re-creates
Fills the air with melancholia --
An anguished search for truth.

Beliefs I once rejected
Are here new re-collected
A swirling, misted moment
I shall cherish when I'm old.

Within me, emotion lingers
Sticky smoke between my fingers
Seeping in my clothing
That protects me from the cold.

Long, remorseful seconds
A sound that, distant, beckons
I heard it once when I was young
Now I hear it again anew.

It calls to mind my mother,
My father, and my brother
Dearest ones who cared for me
When I needed care the most.

Two lovers kiss -- she and me
We are sure that we shall be
Intwined forevermore
In the likeness we now bare.

It was that way, so long ago
I had yet to truly know
That hearts are broken casually
By our own brash shortcomings.

Never mind, it doesn't matter
I tell myself, "it doesn't matter"
But in my bed at night
I see it truly does.

No one knows my secret strength
No one searches to the length
Or breadth or depth of
My passions, mind, and soul.

To them I play a timid role
Even she whose love I stole
And I write to bear a witness
To the life I lead within.

This seizing melancholia --
Poison, freezing melancholia
Stirs at last my pen to say
I yearn to live another day.

 

---jrw 6:19pm
7-25-96