Start of a transcript of B E I N G A N D R E W P L O T K I N by Celie Paradis. Release 1 / Serial number 000922 / Inform v6.21 Library 6/10 Standard interpreter 1.0 (6F) / Library serial number 991113 At last, your troubled fortunes seemed to come to an end. It all happened very quickly: the callback from Red Hat, the bizarre interview with Human Resources, the handshake, the filling out of W-2 forms, and then your first day of work. You thought maybe your experience writing Interactive Fiction games (sixteenth place in the last IF Comp, a good improvement from 33rd place the year before that) had finally landed you a programming job. But no, you seemed to qualify only for menial clerical work. You took it. What else could you do? Sigh. File Room This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling does nothing to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, crawl in a line along the walls like an army of stupid robots. One measly window lets in a tiny square of sunlight. You see a copier machine here. >push button The machine is already busy making copies. Melvin, your supervisor, gangles into the room. With his elongated height and pasty, translucent skin, he looks like the big funky alien at the end of "Close Encounters," only more puppet-like. He approaches you cautiously. Even though he's your boss, he always seems to be intimidated by you. "H-hi, Peter," he says. What would you like to say? [1] Oh, hi Melvin. [2] Go away, idiot. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 2 A bit of human coloring flushes into Melvin's cheeks. "Um, hey, that wasn't nice," he says. [1] So? [2] Give me a raise and I'll think about being more pleasant. [3] Sorry Melvin. I'm just cranky because I need some coffee. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "Oh, uh. Yeah. So I was wondering. Are you very busy? I mean, I guess you are. You seem busy." [1] Yes. I'm terribly busy. You'll have to come back later. [2] What is it you want, Melvin? Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 2 "I was wondering if you could sort these for me," he says, handing you the folders. There are sweat stains on them. Stifling the urge to make a comment, you adjust your grip to touch only the dry spots. >sort folders backwards You're actually pretty much of a whiz at sorting, even in reverse order, which might be why you got the job you did. "Time me," you tell Melvin, and 14 seconds later you're done. >file folders "Should I file these for you, Melvin?" you ask. Melvin says, "Heh. Um. Yeah. I guess that's really what I was after. Thanks, bye." Without even giving you a chance to change your mind, Melvin hustles away. You swear you almost hear his bones clacking together when he moves that fast. Well, let's see. The Z's are on top. The first one is labeled, "Zefferelli," so it should probably go into the Z cabinet. >file zef in z (first opening the Z cabinet) You stick the Zefferelli folder into cabinet Z and close the drawer. >pull zy Man, this cabinet is really stuck shut. Better try again. This time, with feeling. You feel a faint cool breath of air. >g You give the stuck cabinet drawer the old heave-ho, and instead of merely opening, it yanks loose from the wall, revealing a strange, small door in the wall! >open door A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal. >in You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter. Weird Tunnel You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain. [Your score has just gone up by three points.] >d You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down... -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] B E I N G A N D R E W P L O T K I N by Celie Paradis. Release 1 / Serial number 000922 / Inform v6.21 Library 6/10 At Zarf's Desk (in Zarf's head) Weird! You're inside Zarf's head! You see the opening of Zarf's eyes, giving you a sort of bifocal window into the surrounding environment. Outside of Zarf, you see a workdesk containing a gigantic computer monitor, a keyboard, tidy arrangements of notes, and a collection of little toys and knick-knacks. Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. There are no exits that you can perceive. Zarf types some code into his computer. >z.z.z.z.z.z.z. Time passes. Zarf types more code into his computer, then saves the file. Time passes. Zarf compiles his code. Time passes. Zarf traces down a typo, saves again, and recompiles. Time passes. Zarf takes a drink out of a glass. Time passes. Zarf says, "It's in *California*?" His voice echoes, deep and resonantly, through his head. Time passes. Zarf types some more code into his computer. Time passes. Zarf saves his code ag-- -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Suddenly, you are falling from a somewhat drastic height at the usual 9.8 meters per second squared. Your acceleration and velocity are halted when a large hedge on the Red Hat campus grounds rushes up to catch you. Hedge Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places. >u Peter climbs out of the hedge. Meanwhile, back upstairs... Kitchenette (as Valerie) The kitchenette is a bland little room with rose print wallpaper and the constant smell of coffee and orange rinds. You do your best to keep the place tidy, but of course that's impossible with the 300 pound gorillas, also known as "co-workers," who sling their hairy bulk through here every day, leaving an unsightly mess. Since it's still morning, you can stand to look at the place without getting out the sponge and cleaning up. A coffee maker burbles in the corner. Melvin rotates into your field of view one awkward angle at a time. He bangs his akimbo elbows on the sides of the doorframe, making a horrible clanking noise on the metal. It doesn't seem to faze him. "Hey there, beautiful," he says in a syrupy voice. What would you like to say? [1] Hi, Melvin. [2] (sigh) Hi, Melvin. [3] (groan) Goodbye, Melvin. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 3 "So I'll seeya later?" Melvin calls out as you leave. Brrr. Serves you right for trying to sneak an extra break from work. You steal back to your desk, hoping no one besides Melvin saw you so obviously slacking. Valerie's Desk (as Valerie) Your desk looked spiffy when you left it last night. By the time you got here this morning, the minions of evil had sneaked in and dropped off a messy pile of work. You've ignored it so far, but it's not really going to go away on its own. On your computer, though, is email that needs to be read. You can see a messy pile of work here. By the way, your phone is ringing. >answer phone You answer the phone. It's your coworker Debra, wondering if you got any of her emails, but telling you never mind, because she figured it out by herself. Then she hangs up. Sweet Lord, when will you deliver us from idiot coworkers? Just as you hang up, you hear your name being yelled and see someone running up toward you. That cute young temp who started here a few weeks ago, whatsisname -- Peter? -- is red-faced and perspiring slightly. One of his shirtsleeves is twisted (you resist the urge to straighten it), and his collar is turned up. There are also a number of twigs and hedge leaves clinging to him. "I'm glad you're here!" Peter says brightly. "I really need to talk to somebody about what just happened to me!" What would you like to say? [1] A "hello" would be nice. [2] What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the flower bed this morning? [3] Funny, I don't even remember buying a ticket for the "Hear the secrets of a crazed Temp" lottery. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 3 "Well, you win anyway," Peter says. "Sorry to pick on you. I don't know many people here yet, but I have talked to you a couple of times. You always seem kind of open-minded and, you know, friendly." [1] Are you trying to ask me to dinner? [2] Well, for a crazed temp, you are kind of cute in a shaggy-mutt-needs-a- friend kind of way. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Peter is caught off guard. "Well, um, I hadn't thought about it until just now. But why not. How about it? Is tonight good for you?" [1] Okay. dinner it is. [2] Can't do it tonight. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Peter says, "Excellent! But, first things first. Can you meet me after work up in the file room? I really want to show you something." Valerie says, "It's against my better judgment, but all right." Little do they suspect that Melvin, nearby, is spying on them and making plans of his own. Even littler do they suspect that Melvin is not what he seems... [Hit any key.] Around the Corner (as "Melvin") SCANNING cubicle_space(3,1,15): TERRAN_LIFEFORM targets(2): RECOGNIZE: ID(696095)["Peter Danielson Feeney"] dETAIL_LIST New unit underling Problem report: DANGEROUS (watchflag) Problem report: ATTITUDE Resistant to authority. CONVERSE_MODE(shy,servile); RECOGNIZE: ID(344904)["Valerie Ann Michelle Conrad"] dETAIL_LIST Established unit (no connection) Problem report: ATTITUDE Responds to authority. CONVERSE_MODE(extrovert,lecherous); SOUNDSCAN targets(344904,696095): Process... Process... 696095: << Go FileRoom >> << Show 344904 OBJ_ID(0001001)[##Portal] >> 344904: << accept order Go >> ANALYSIS: TERMINATE Action << Show >> #ifSucc << EXECUTE ORDER_ID(904)[##CoverUp] >> #else << TERMINATE ID(696095) >> NEXTACT: [1] FOLLOW [2] WAIT [3] KILL >> 1 FOLLOW MODE ACTIVE. --NOMINAL-- Later that evening... [Hit any key.] File Room (as Valerie) The file room is one of your favorite rooms in the company building. One, it's always orderly and clean; and two, it doesn't sport brightly colored IKEA furniture. It's businesslike and efficient. There's even a window to give the area a sense of openness. Peter is standing here, pacing, when you arrive. "What took you? Didn't we say 6:30?" Peter asks. [1] Sorry I'm late. [2] Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 2 "Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours," you tell Peter. "I'm starving." Peter says, "Here's what you do. Go to file cabinet Z-Y and try to open it." >pull zy You try to pull the cabinet, but it barely moves. "It doesn't move," you say. "Give it another good, hard pull," says Peter. >g You yank on the drawer, and it flies clean out of the cabinet, sending you spilling backwards. Loose folders slide out in a snaky line sideways across the floor, emptying their contents in all directions. "Egad!" yells Peter. "That didn't happen last time!" "Well, it did this time," you tell Peter. "Help me clean up the papers." >get papers As you both lean down to clean up the papers, you see a pair of shoes enter the room from the darkened hallway. Perched in the shoes is a pair of stilts. Balanced on the stilts is a kind of potato head with Melvin's face on it. In other words, Melvin is standing here. "Do you two want to tell me what you're doing here?" Melvin asks. What would you like to say? [1] No. [2] Practicing the Lambada. [3] Smooching. [4] It's none of your business, Melvin. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Melvin's eyes narrow. He kicks some of the papers with his toe. "I could report this as company espionage. That's what it looks like to me." Peter says, "Hey, be cool, Melvin. It was just an accident. I spilled a cabinet and Valerie offered to help me clean up." Melvin looks at you. "Just an innocent spill. This is the second time today that cabinet has 'innocently' spilled open." "So I'm clumsy," says Peter, shrugging. Melvin says, "Why don't you two put things back where you found them, and I won't have to report this?" [1] Okay. Sorry. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "Okay, Melvin," says Peter. "Sorry," you say through gritted teeth. >g Melvin watches as you pick up the scattered folders and papers and shove them into the open cabinet. Peter puts the YZ cabinet back against the wall. "There, Melvin," Peter says. Melvin says, "Okay, now get out." >out Melvin watches as you exit the building. You leave him behind at the entrance and walk a safe distance away. "Well, that was weird. I've never seen Melvin act like that," Peter says. "Really?" you ask. "He's always seemed a sort of a creep to me." "Is there any way we can sneak back in, do you think?" "Really?" asks Peter. "Yeah. Now I'm curious. If Melvin hadn't showed up like that, I wouldn't have believed you really found something. Now I want to see what it is." "Won't Melvin be watching?" "He can't sit there all night," you say. "He has to go home at some point, right?" "Should we go to dinner first?" "Nah. Let's just go for it. Come on. Melvin doesn't really have any authority over me, anyway." Peter says, "Excellent." And so ... [Hit any key.] File Room The file room is one of your favorite rooms in the company building. One, it's always orderly and clean; and two, it doesn't sport brightly colored IKEA furniture. It's businesslike and efficient. There's even a window to give the area a sense of openness. Early moonlight peeks in, drawing a long amber trapezoid on the carpet. Peter is here. Peter says, "Okay, I don't see him. Let's be careful this time." He moves the Z- Y cabinet quietly aside to reveal a strange little door in the wall. What would you like to say? [1] Whoa. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Peter says, "Go on in. It's safe. If all goes well, I'll meet you by the hedge in a few minutes." "Which hedge?" you ask. "How will I find you?" "Trust me on this one," says Peter. >open door A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal. >in You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter. Weird Tunnel You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain. >d You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down... -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] In Zarf's Kitchen (in Zarf's head) Weird! You really are inside someone's head! You see the opening of this guy Zarf's eyes, giving you a sort of bifocal window into the surrounding environment. Out through his eyes you can see that he's in the middle of making dinner. On the stove, a pan of onions has been sautÇed golden brown in olive oil. On the countertop you see a bottle of white wine, two measuring cups, a small bowl, and a plate of ribbed pasta. Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. Each time there is a flash, you notice a shadow nearby that never seems to brighten. Zarf stirs a cup of white wine into the pan of onions and lets it simmer. >touch shadow You touch the shadow, and move deeper inside the brain. Inside Zarf's Brain The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost. You can see a control panel here. >z.z.z. Time passes. Time passes. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a curious gentleman casually leaning against one of the walls here. Time passes. The thief makes a sudden, swift movement in your direction. You catch a glimpse of his stiletto moving, and then -- -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Suddenly, you are falling, but all you see are slashes of yellow light and dark green shapes. One of the largest shapes, with a dimple in the center, moves towards you quickly. As it nears, you feel a sense of time slowing, and your eyes catch the details. It is a large hedge, and the dimple is a crushed spot roughly the size of Peter's body. You hope he flattened most of the sharpest branches when he landed... [Hit any key.] Northwest Campus (as Peter) You are at the northwest edge of the corporate campus. A decorated line of hedges hidden by a corner of stately trees, with leaves that gently whisper in the evening wind. You can see a large hedge here. Valerie plummets into the big hedge with an unladylike ka-thump-krickle. >search hedge You help Valerie out of the hedge. "Wow!" she says. "That was really intense. So, who is that guy?" "Zarf. Andrew Plotkin. He works here." "Oh. Oh! Yeah. I know that guy. I meant the *other* guy." "What other guy?" "The one back in the brain." "Wait, you went farther back in the brain? How'd you do that?" "Didn't you see the shadow?" "Um. No." "You ought to go and try it, then." "Yeah! No. Yeah. No." "You need to be more decisive." "Let's eat first. When I put the file cabinet back and came out here, I had the feeling Melvin was watching the back of my head." "Dinner, then?" "Yeah." [Hit any key.] Colonel Pho's Restaurant She picked a nice place, you have to admit. Reasonable prices, delicious, spicy food. The usual Americanized Asian decorations are strung liberally about the restaurant, providing a cozy, if slightly kitschy, atmosphere. "So, what do you do?" Valerie asks. "I write text adventure games." "Check, please." "No, really. It's this new medium called Interactive Fiction. It's really cool. That guy Zarf? He's the master, man. You should play some of his stuff." "What's so great about interactive fiction?" "It's kind of hard to explain to someone who's never heard of it before. Me, I like writing it. Playing it is kind of dumb. It's always too hard. It was originally based on puzzles." "Puzzles? Like what? Jump the pegs to leave only one left?" Peter sputters. "Eeeagh! No! Well, yes. But that's a terrible example. I mean like: find the gold key, to open the door. Find the magic sword to kill the ogre." "Hmm. How about, find the object to activate the control panel?" "Could be, yeah." "What about a sneaky thief guy? How would you get past him?" "!!" "I've never seen anyone pronounce an exclamation point before. How'd you do that?" "That's the thief from Zork! He must be some sort of symbolic internal defense mechanism. Or something. You didn't see an elvish sword of great antiquity in there, maybe glowing blue?" "No." "I'm still thinking about that panel," Peter says. "Maybe if we activated that, we could control Zarf." "Is that a responsible thing to do?" Valerie asks. "No, but it sounds kind of fun, doesn't it?" "Sure, I guess," she says. "What do you think we'd need to prove to Zarf's internal control unit that we were Zarf?" "A picture of him, maybe?" "Do you have one?" "No. Yes! In the file cabinet! There was a photo of him in the file!" "Well, let's go back and get it." "Now you're talking." [Hit any key.] File Room (as Peter) This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling looks disconcertingly eerie at night. The army of stupid file cabinet robots looks ready to spring to life at any moment. The one measly window lets in a tiny rectangle of moonlight. A secret door has been revealed in the wall behind the Z-Y cabinet. You can also see Valerie here. "Should we turn the lights on?" Valerie asks. What would you like to say? [1] Probably better not. [2] I guess so. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 You tell Valerie, "Probably better not. I don't want to attract any attention." >search zy You search the Z-Y cabinet, and locate the Zarf:Classified file. >open door A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal. Valerie asks, "Why don't we both go?" What would you like to say? [1] Will that work? [2] Sure. Why not? Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 2 Valerie says, "Okay." >in You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter. Weird Tunnel (as Peter) You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain. Valerie follows you. >d You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down... -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Zarf's Apartment (in Zarf's head) (as Peter) Zarf seems at first to be in a library, but on second glance, he's just at home but owns a *lot* of books. A couple thousand of them, by the looks of it. He is holding a bar code scanner and is scanning the ISBN numbers of books from a tall stack, one at a time, into his computer. Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. A deep shadow here slashes diagonally, refusing the light. "Okay, I'll stay here," says Valerie. "Try to get that panel activated. I'll holler if I see anything happen." >touch shadow You touch the shadow, and feel a chill go through your bones. "I think he felt that," yells Valerie. Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter) The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost. You can see a control panel here. >take photo Taken. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a curious gentleman leaning against the wall. >put photo on plate You put the blurry photo onto the ceramic plate. >push button You touch the button. It pulses once, and then a bright blue glow sweeps across the ceramic plate. The disk's color changes to blue and pulsates three times. A similar glow issues from the ceramic plate, and then a microphone telescopes up from a previously invisible opening. The thief moves back into the darkness and vanishes. [Your score has just gone up by three points.] >talk to mic What would you like to say? [1] Test. Test. Testing 1, 2, 3, 4. Hello? Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 You feel a sudden sense of pressure and release, and a darkening of the environment. Valerie yells, "Is it working? He's looking around like he knows someone is messing with him." "What should I try?" you ask. "It's up to you," Valerie yells back. [1] Tell Zarf to drop the book he's holding. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Valerie yells, "Yay! He dropped the book! Try something else." [1] Tell Zarf to stand up. [2] Tell Zarf do the funky chicken. [3] Tell Zarf to explain "So Far". [4] Tell Zarf to give all his money to you. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 3 A hollow noise rumbles up from the caves, like gigantic steel doors swinging shut and locking. From the shadows, the stranger with the rucksack and stiletto speaks in a low voice, saying, "I do not explain my work. You, however, have some explaining to do." He steals closer, an inch at a time, circling you. [1] Valerie, help! Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 A violent red light pulses through the inside of the brain. Valerie enters, looking spooked. Valerie says, "Uh oh, I think he's pissed." "Who are you two?" the thief demands, extending his stiletto blade. You back slowly away from the control panel, your eye on the tunnel openings. "What do we do now?" you ask Valerie. "Usually the trip ends by this point." The thief circles closer, his eyes locked on yours, glinting in the darkness the same as his blade. "What if we get stuck here?" Valerie wonders aloud. >z Time passes. The thief suddenly lunges. Valerie yanks you backwards. "Run!" she screams. "Which way?" "*Any* way!" >out You experience blind panic for the first time in your life, despite the absurdity of the setting, and the recognizable fiction of the threat. Your life; how small and petty it all seems, and how short. There is little light in these twisting tunnels, and the faster you run, the more time moves in slow motion, and your thoughts turn inward. Your life has been blind and short, you think; appropriate, because down this last dark turn of the cave tunnel you have met with an unexpected, dead end. Dead End It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits. A helix of light hangs in the air here, twirling and changing colors. "We're trapped!" whispers Valerie, as much color drained from her face as there is pulsating in the helix above. >z Time passes. The thief enters, his stiletto blade extended. "You two don't belong here," he says. "And I believe you have something of mine." "Help!" you yell. "Hel--" -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Hedge Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places. >u Northwest Campus You are at the northwest edge of the corporate campus. A decorated line of hedges hidden by a corner of stately trees, with leaves that gently whisper in the evening wind. You can see a large hedge here. "Okay, that was freaky," says Valerie. "Yeah, let's call it a night," you say. "Oh come on. This is getting fun. This is my kind of Interactive Fiction!" "More like interactive reality. Oh, damn. Where is it? I've lost the photo." "Maybe you dropped it when we fell. Look in the hedge." >search hedge There's nothing in the hedge. "It's not there," you say. "I bet the thief took it. That means the show's over." "Do you think we should tell Zarf about this?" "Hmm. Maybe it's better if he doesn't know." "I don't know about that. If it were your head, wouldn't you want to know that people were hacking into it?" "Good point. Okay, we'll tell him first thing tomorrow." "Agreed," says Valerie. "Agreed," you say. >e "Can I walk you to your car?" you ask Valerie. "You can limp me there," she says, grimacing. "I think I twisted my ankle." You puff out your chest. "I can carry you, if you want." Valerie laughs. "Ooh. The last of the gallant gentlemen." She shakes her head. "No thanks, I'm tough," she says. >carry val Peter carries Valerie to her car, trying desperately not to huff and sweat and collapse. Early the next morning, Zarf wakes and takes a long walk to work, trying to blow off some steam. It doesn't help... [Hit any key.] Zarf's Desk (as Zarf) You are *pissed*. Someone's been messing with you, and you know exactly who it was. *How* they did it, you don't know, but that's the first thing on your mind this morning. Find evil scum, tell evil scum off. Then, get some work done. On the computer is a MUD window. You are logged onto ifMUD. >x mud Sargent says (to Zarf), "Hey." inky says, "hi Z" Iain says, "Hullo." You say, "grnn. Not happy." Rob says (to Iain), "that's what I thought until recently" Iain says (to Rob), "Oh?" Sargent says (to Zarf), "What's up?" inky says, "erm?" You say, "Details not important. I have a mission to destroy evil scum." Sargent says, "Ugly buildup in the bathtub?" inky says, "probably some sort of foaming cleanser is in order" Rob says, "bleach and a stiff brush will take care of that" Adam says, "You coul-- Damn it." Sargent says, "HA ha." Emily groans. Suddenly, Evil Scum are here. You recognize one of them only from a vivid mental snapshot that appeared yesterday morning. You recognize the other from seeing her around once or twice. You are not pleased to see either of them, although it saves you the trouble of hunting them down. "Um, hi Mr. Plotkin," says the first. "I'm Valerie Conrad, and this is Peter Feeney," says the other. "We came to tell you about -- something weird that we discovered." "It's a portal into your head," says Valerie, which doesn't make any logical sense, but it does explain things, if it's true. What would you like to say? [1] And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "Sorry about that. It was just ordinary curiosity at first." "Perfectly natural." [1] There's nothing natural or ordinary about it. Where is this portal? Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "In the file room." [1] Take me there. Now. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "Well, okay." [Hit any key.] File Room (as Zarf) The file room is an unimpressive rectangular room full of squat cabinets. The file cabinets are a pale yellow, like raw milk, and each stands about 38 inches high. There is a maladjusted ceiling tile, and scruffy stains on the padded carpeting. In the north wall is a window, about two and a half feet square, with a crank latch. A copier machine sits near the wall, bearing no make or marking that you recognize, even though no company produces generic photocopiers that you know of. Even more curiously, the wall socket behind it is empty, meaning that the copier is not plugged in, and yet it definitely seems to be turned on. Peter pulls the second cabinet from the end away from the wall, revealing a portal fashioned from slats of aged cedar. Ornate brass hinges, possibly hand- crafted, clamp the door securely to the wall. Beyond being bizarre, it is curiously anachronistic. The portal itself antedates this building by at least a century and a half, in your estimation. "This is it," says Peter. "I don't know what would happen if you went through it, though." >open door The door swings easily on its hinges, which have been recently oiled. Someone is evidently its caretaker, but it is beyond your ability to guess whom. >in A voice shouts, "STOP!" It is an odd voice, a peculiar sounding shout. It sounds less like a voice yelling and more like a normal voice mechanically amplified. "Melvin!" shouts Peter. This "Melvin" bears no resemblance to any human being, living or dead. The ersatz flesh on his disjointed skeleton is a remarkable elastic, tinted with some care to mimic caucasian melanin. Under the fluorescent light, it reflects slightly too much green, and it wrinkles unnaturally at limb joints. More care has been taken in the face, allowing for a range of facial expressions. Currently, the expression is one of intended menace. "You leave me no choice but to terminate you," says Melvin. He goes to the copier and punches a sequence of numbers on the button panel. A strange shuddering vibration pulses through the room, from back to front. "The file cabinets!" yells Peter. "They're moving!" The file cabinets are growing taller. Beneath each, a small footpad is extending, and the cabinet bodies are rising on stalks. A single cycloptic ruby eye irises open on the face of each. Peter rolls his eyes. "Well what the heck. It *is* a stupid robot army!" "Go in, quick!" Valerie orders you. "Go! We'll hold him off!" Peter shouts, bravely. "I think." [Hit any key.] You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter. Weird Tunnel (as Zarf) You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain. >d You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down... -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself))) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't hit an escape clause, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes. >return true You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level. Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes. >g You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level. Inside Zarf (In yourself) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes. >g You return the last value, and a shadow falls over you. Touching it, you fall inward. Meanwhile, a few turns ago... [Hit any key.] File Room (as Peter) The situation has gone from bad to worse, here. The army of mutant little file cabinet robots has herded you and Valerie back against the north wall. The window is behind you. Melvin is across the room, working controls on the copier, which has opened up to reveal some sort of pulsating machine innards. A secret door has been revealed in the wall. Valerie says, "What do we do?" What would you like to say? [1] We go out the window. [2] We attack Melvin. [3] We make a break for the portal. [4] We do like Captain Kirk, and incapacitate Melvin with logic. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 3 "How are we going to make it all the way to the portal?" [1] I'll pick up one of the cabinets and throw it at Melvin. You should go for the portal. Then I'll figure out some way of getting in there myself. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 Valerie gives you a kiss. "For good luck," she says as the heroic music swells. >get cabinet You pick up the nearest file cabinet, which turns out to be the Z-Y cabinet. The stupid robot starts making a pathetic squealing noise. "Hey! Put him down this instant!" shrieks Melvin. >throw cabinet at melvin (the army of mutant little file cabinet robots at Melvin) What heroic catch phrase would you like to utter? [1] Here's mud in your eye, sucker! [2] It's clobberin' time! [3] Hasta la vista, bubbala! [4] You remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied! >> 1 "Here's mud in your eye, sucker!" you shout. "What year is this, 1938?" Valerie says. "Just get going!" Valerie makes a gymnastic diving roll over the sinister little cabinets and disappears into the portal. You fling the little metallic beast at Melvin, but your aim is terrible. Fortunately, you lobbed it so far to the side that it goes smashing into the pulsating copier machine brain heart organ thingy, which implodes and then explodes, emitting a terrific shower of sparks and a sad little dying scream. As you might expect, Melvin shouts, "Noooooooooooo!" as the little army of stupid robots topples over en masse, vomiting their paper folder guts all over the place. [Your score has just gone up by three points.] >in You leap for the portal. Weird Tunnel (as Peter) You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain. You hear Melvin scream, "You can't get away from *ME*!" >d You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down... -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter) The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost. You can see a control panel, Valerie and Zarf here. "You made it!" says Valerie. "Yeah," you say, "But Melvin's right on my tail." Zarf seems calm and sagelike. "It's okay. I know my way around, and I have a plan. Mind you, the timing is apt to be rather ... cruel... from now on." >z Time passes. There is a sound like a vacuum implosion, and a flash of light. Melvin tumbles into view, holding some sort of ray gun. "He's got a gun!" shouts Valerie. Zarf says, "Follow me, please." Zarf leaves to the northwest. >nw Melvin fires the ray gun, which emits a sizzling noise and a bright stripe of electric blue laser light. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he screams. The two of you narrowly dodge the beam and follow Zarf down the tunnel. Tunnels (as Peter and Valerie) A huge cavern rises above you. The far reaches are lost in shadow mist, and the vaults above fade into a darkness pierced with long columns of stone. Chill water drips and pools in broken declivities. You can hear little else. A river of smoke-grey travertine flows down one wall of the chamber. Pale fungi gleam in phosphorescence somewhere above. Gloomy side chambers stretch off in many directions. You can see Zarf here. Zarf says, "We're going to need a few things. Try to keep up." Zarf walks down through the floor. Vivid gold light flares around him. >d You follow Zarf through the floor, which melts open around you. You hear Melvin close behind you. Canyon Wall (as Peter and Valerie) Massive buttresses of stone rise all around you, climbing the canyon wall, flowing down again in cascades of pale fluorite. A path seems to climb up among them; but you don't think you can get to it right now. The carcass of the Wumpus is heaped before you. Hardened blood trickles from its ravaged hide, puddling on the floor. There is a crossbow lying here; near the beast; loaded and cocked. Zarf says, "Take the crossbow." >take crossbow Peter takes the crossbow. Valerie says, "Poor thing." Zarf walks through the east wall. Rich crimson light flares around him. >e You follow Zarf through east wall, which melts open around you. You hear Melvin close behind you. Small Cave (as Peter and Valerie) You are in a dark pocket, a stony crack below the summit of the hill. It is not quite high enough to stand in, but surprisingly long, narrowing only slowly towards the back. The entrance is a circle of blinding crimson to the west, partially obscured by the boulder. An ancient and filthy blanket is crumpled against one wall of the cave. You can also see Zarf here. Zarf says, "Take the blanket." >take blanket Valerie takes the blanket. Zarf walks through the south wall. Shimmering grey light flares around him. Melvin squeezes through the cave opening. "It's a good thing I remembered to change my batteries!" he puffs. >s You follow Zarf through the south wall. Melvin is one step behind you. Storage Tent (as Peter and Valerie) This is where the party kept all its supplies. However Roboff seems to have cleaned everything out that was of any use. Several arrows of Da-Glo paint on the wall attract your attention to the empty food and water chests. Lying on the ground is a brass torch of the "self-igniting" type. The ignite button is on the handle. There is a shovel lying here. You can also see Zarf here. Zarf says, "Take the shovel." >take shovel Peter takes the shovel. Zarf says, "Okay, we need to take a slight detour." Zarf walks up through the ceiling. Pale green light flares around him. Outside the tent, Melvin hollers, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" >u You follow Zarf through the ceiling. You feel the heat of Melvin's ray gun blast nearly singe your feet. Tunnels (as Peter and Valerie) A huge cavern rises above you. The far reaches are lost in shadow mist, and the vaults above fade into a darkness pierced with long columns of stone. Chill water drips and pools in broken declivities. You can hear little else. A river of smoke-grey travertine flows down one wall of the chamber. Pale fungi gleam in phosphorescence somewhere above. Gloomy side chambers stretch off in many directions. You can see Zarf here. Zarf says, "Fortunately, these tunnels lead everywhere. Come along." Zarf walks through the south wall. Rosy pink light flares around him. >s You follow Zarf through the south wall. Melvin is one step behind you. In Roc Nest (as Peter and Valerie) This nest is made from skillfully woven tree trunks, small bushes, and large amounts of mud and roc guano for glue. Giant black feathers are everywhere. In the center of the nest is an egg the size of a small wagon. Nestled beneath the egg is a featureless white cube. The roc perches on the side of the nest, watching you intently. There is a stained scroll here. You can also see Zarf here. Zarf says, "Take the scroll." >take scroll Valerie takes the stained scroll. Zarf walks through the west wall of the nest. Blinding white light flares around him. Melvin materializes through the rock face. "Where the hell are we?" he says, staring around. >w You follow Zarf through the west wall. You hear Melvin yelling, "Bad bird! Bad!" Control Room (as Peter and Valerie) This is the control room for all the machinery nearby. The controls are all magical, of course. The walls are covered by blinking lights and shifting displays, interspersed with arcane dials and glowing buttons. It's all very mysterious looking. The exit, to the northwest, leads into a room with machinery which would surely crush you if you were to attempt to enter it. A scroll of old, brittle parchment is here. "Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside. Zarf says, "Take the scroll." >take scroll (the brittle scroll) Peter takes the brittle scroll. Zarf says, "I need to take my own detour. You two, take the northwest exit, wait for Melvin, and incapacitate him. Lay a trap if need be. I'll rejoin you after." "Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside. "Are you sure we can get through that?" Peter asks. Zarf touches a shadow and vanishes. "Oh. Great." "Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside. Melvin bursts in from the east wall, covered with talon scratches and roc feathers. "Note to self: Don't mess with the roc egg," he says. >nw You make it across the room, but just barely; just as you duck through the door, a huge hammer crashes down behind, missing by an inch. Something you stepped on along the way clicked as well, and with a horrible screeching noise, the machinery speeds up, crashing faster and faster until it's twice as fast as before. From behind, you hear Melvin cry, "Hey! No fair!" That machinery ought to slow him down for at least a minute or two. Dead End (as Peter and Valerie) It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits. Melvin will be here at any moment. "Do we know what to do?" Valerie asks Peter. "I hope so, or we're dead." Peter says. >dig floor Peter attacks the soft ground with the shovel. It seems to magically bite large chunks at a time, like a ravenous rodent burrowing into angel food cake. The scooped material seems to vanish like evaporating bubbles, leaving only a deep pit behind. Unfortunately, Peter himself ends up at the bottom of it. >drop blanket Valerie throws the blanket across the opening of the pit, covering it completely. You hear the distant crash of a giant hammer, followed by a small shriek from Melvin. It sounded more disappointed than fatal. >z Time passes. >z Time passes. There is a terrific crash and then a fast series of metallic whupping noises. Melvin comes limping in through the southeast wall, looking the worse for wear. Several spears are skewered in his sides, and one leg drags limply behind him. "My ray gun got smashed by the hammer," he mopes. "But can still finish you two off with my bare hands." With a steely 'snikt', long metal blades protrude out of his knuckles. >throw blanket at melvin Valerie throws the blanket over Melvin's head. Weirdly, it incapacitates him. "Arrrrrggh!" Melvin cries. "Optical units disabled!" Melvin struggles with the blanket. He's nearly free. >shoot melvin You shoot the crossbow at Melvin, who frees himself from the blanket too late to deflect the bolt. It plunges straight into his gizzard. "EEEAGH!!" he cries his last, before exploding into a million shiny pieces. Melvin is no more. "That was funky," Valerie says. [Your score has just gone up by three points.] >z Time passes... Zarf appears in a cloud of orange smoke, wearing a long blue cloak with electroluminescent highlights. He surveys the scene calmly. "Okay," he says, retrieving the blanket and the crossbow. What would you like to say? [1] How do we get out of here? Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 1 "Like this," he says, and withdraws a small white cube and a spell book from his cloak. Zarf begins to intone the blorple spell-- -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] File Room (as Peter and Valerie) The room is a disaster area. Ruined cabinets lie everywhere, the remains of a once mighty (but very silly) army. The exploded pulsating copier machine innards are leaking trails of acrid ochre smoke into the air. Scorched company documents, flung willy nilly in the battle, carpet the floor, hiding only the smallest of the many scuffs and scratches. The secret door lies exposed in the wall. You can also see Zarf here. "Now," says Zarf. "Your turn again." >kulcad door Peter intones the Kulcad scroll. It is long and complicated, and he stumbles over the unfamiliar language. However, the magic is too powerful to be constrained. The more he reads, the clearer his pronunciation becomes, as the magic works through him. As he finishes the incantation, there is a noise like the rushing of open wind through a great tunnel. The secret door ripples and shimmers, trapped in a state between reality and mirage. Then, so suddenly that it is missed in a blink, the door is gone, leaving only a blank wall. There is no trace that it had ever been here. Zarf nods. "Now the other," he says. >caskly Valerie intones the caskly spell. The room begins to melt; plaster, plastic, metal, and glass drip down like wax; loose papers lift and twirl in swelling eddies, spinning upwards from all directions. Then, familiar forms start reasserting themselves. Torn pages mend themselves out of the whirlwind, flowing back into place. Cabinet after cabinet slots itself into position, drawers agape, eating documents that file themselves. All is changed. The copier machine refuses its alien origins and becomes happily mudane, humming to life and churning out copies of a wonderfully boring document. "What just happened?" Valerie asks. "Take a look," says Zarf. >l File Room (as Peter) The file room looks considerably cleaner, perhaps better than before. The reassuring familiarity of its short, slumping ceiling seems now to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, stand in a clean line along the walls like a perfect set of teeth. A window affords a beautiful view and a kind square of sunlight. "Congratulations, that's the end of the story," says Zarf, pacing back and forth. "But, that's not *really* the way it happened, is it?" What would you like to say? [1] Yes. [2] No. Select an option or 0 to say nothing >> 2 He nods, apparently satisfied. "I didn't think you were stupid. Life isn't like that." His hand moves to something that shines; a control button is pressed. -- glaring light... [Hit any key.] At last, your troubled fortunes seemed to come to an end. It all happened very quickly: the callback from Red Hat, the bizarre interview with Human Resources, the handshake, the filling out of W-2 forms, and then your first day of work. And then the next day of work, and the next, and the next. Life goes on, routinely and normally, happily ever after. *** You have made a difference *** THE END In that game you scored 12 out of a possible 12, in 82 turns. Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, UNDO your last move, see the author's end NOTES or QUIT? > q